Thought I'd better try and write down as much as I could about Camden's Christmas before I forget. Let's see...
Christmas Eve we went over to mom and dad's in the afternoon. We made cookies and pudding and hung out with family. The West Coast Davis' showed up and it was so good to see them. Took Camden a little bit of time to warm up but by Monday he was wrapped around their fingers. We went to church for the Candle light Service. That's usually when I cry, during Silent Night, but this year I played hand chimes so somehow made it through. Camden loved seeing Uncle Earl and Aunt Miriam singing in the choir with Bop Bop. Then it was back to Marmee's house for dinner and some gifts. He was so excited to sit on the big new table with everyone. And then when he got his gifts from Annemarie and Maura he was more than happy to ham it up. He did not want to go home. So checked to see where Santa was, Virginia, and told him we needed to hurry home and get to bed before Santa got there. That was all it took, he was running out the front door, no shoes, no jacket, no mom and dad - just running for the car. "We got to hurry! We got to beat Santa!" It was very cute! He started to get upset b/c people in our neighborhood had their lights on so he was saying Santa wouldn't come because they were still up. We told him it was ok, he would come to our house if we were asleep, he'd just skip the other people's houses. Him sleeping that night was the best/funniest part. He and Keven wrote Santa a letter and left him candy and milk and he went to bed. In his room, in his bed, with his door closed. He NEVER likes to sleep in his room and definitely doesn't close his door. He kept telling us we better lock our door too so Santa will come. So he went right to bed. Now, usually around 2 or 3 AM he comes into our room. He didn't do that. I figured he was very tired. So, about 8 I got up to let the dogs out and I hear his small voice from down the hall..."Mom? Mom? Are you awake?" Yup. "Can I come out?" LOL. He had been awake and wouldn't come out of his room til we were up and it was ok. I asked him if he'd been awake long...he said he was in bed then got on the floor and then back in bed and then back on the floor. :)
So, out to see what Santa left. He was SO excited that Santa ate his candy and left our key under his plate. He took things out of his stocking one at a time and loved them all! What was funny was there was some doublemint gum and it had Captain America on it, so whenever people ask him what he got from Santa, he says Captain America gum. Never mind the books, candy, T-rex from Toy Story... :) Actually he does like the T-rex too. He had a Belle ornament in his stocking - b/c he always joke around about Beauty and the Beast - he says Booty and the Beast - not sure he's ever seen the movie...but so he got Belle. When he pulled it out he laughed and said Santa messed up, that was for his little sister. :) So, hung around the house a bit and then headed to Marmee and Bop Bop's. Then all the family came. From San Antonio, West coast and East coast. Camden had a BLAST! He got to help pass out all the presents, he saw all his cousins and played. Lots of food, family and fun. Just like holidays should be!! He had fun talking about his note to Santa and sleeping in his room and the Capt. America gum. Before Annemarie and Maura showed up he kept asking when his friends were going to get there. Trying to remember what other funny things he did but can't think of them...he had a blast and did so well with everyone and everything.
Monday Camden slept late, which he needed! Then he was singing some in his sleep. Frosty the snowman. So funny. Then we had family pictures. 22 of us. Camden wouldn't cooperate at the beginning. He wasn't wanting to participate. But he warmed up a little after a bit and we took a bunch of pictures. I can't wait to see them! Then we went to Chuy's and he quickly jumped to the table with Annemarie and Maura. Then off to Austin's park and pizza. We walked in and he wanted to find his friends (his 5 cousins) He wanted to follow them around all night and did a pretty good job of it. So much fun! Games, putt putt, go-karts, chasing cousins. In the car afterwards Keven asked if Camden liked his cousins. He said yes. Keven asked if he liked one the most - he said Annemarie and Maura (definitely a ladies man) - then he said he loves all his cousins. Keven asked if he wanted to go home with them. He said no. I said maybe we could go visit. He said Maybe we can. :) He's heard that once or twice ;) Currently he's off at the Zilker tree with the East Coast Davis' and dad. Having a blast I'm sure.
He has been so wonderful this whole Christmas weekend. So excited about the lights, the music, Santa..especially Santa. And no naps, and lots of sugar - and no major melt downs. He was truly amazing! Should say IS truly amazing.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Holiday Heartache
Shopping for the Giving Tree at church, we had an 8 month old little girl, Camden "I want a little sister. We could get her those pajamas"
At Wal-Mart we walked past an end cap of all these baby dolls - "I want a sister. And when she gets bigger I'll buy her this doll" A lot of times he says he wants a brother because he already has a sister. I would love for him to have both - a brother and another sister.
The 2 that hurt the most, but also meant the most to me...He called me into the other room today to show me a picture of Grace. He pointed to a picture of him and his 2 cousins and said the youngest was Grace. I explained who they were and reminded him. He got very upset and said he wanted Grace in the picture with him! That hurts..hurts me because he obviously hurts and because I'd love that too.
Then tonight my mom was telling someone that her (my mom's) dog had died in April. Camden said she went up to Heaven. We all agreed. Then he said when he gets to Heaven he gets to play with Grace. And with God. He had mentioned that before. That it wasn't fair and that he wanted to go to Heaven and play with her. I told him he will someday, but hopefully not soon, I need him here with me for now. And he's right, it's not fair. He should have his big sister here with him. They would be having so much fun! He asked one time how she got to Heaven...I don't remember what I said...maybe by becoming an Angel....he decided she drove her power chair up there. :)
He is so excited about Christmas. It's so much fun watching him. He liked it last year, but this year he is getting into all of it. The music, the lights, Santa, family...it's so much fun. So I'm trying to focus on him. And I do...but it doesn't take my thoughts from her. Here's a candle lighting ritual we do on Christmas Eve. I forget where we got it from or I'd give proper acknowledgement. Thought I'd share though as it works for any loved ones.
It's 4 candles and usually 5 of my family members read. I read if I can...
1 -"As we light these candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories and one for our love."
2 - Light 1st candle - "The light of this candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you."
3 - Light 2nd candle - "The light of this candle represents our courage to confront our sorrow; to comfort each other; to change our lives."
4 - Light 3rd candle - "This candle is a light ot all of our memories of you. To the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us."
5 - Light 4th candle - "This candle is the light of our love. As we enter the holiday season, day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We are thankful for the gift your life brought to each of us. We love you always"
I love both my beautiful children! I am so incredibly thankful for them both and blessed by them both. I just wish I had both here with me, however selfish that is.
Sunday, November 13, 2011
In need of Angels
Grace. I love you and I miss you. And right now I need you. And your friends. And not just for me but for so many people down here. There has been too much heartache in the past week for too many families. It's not right and it's not fair and it just really stinks! Please surround us all with your love and protection and help us to get through this too. I love you baby girl!
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Top 10 lessons this weekend/birthday party (and all by 2:00 on Sunday)
10 - This year's flu vaccine will give Keven the flu - fever, chills, sweats and all
9 - Buy bowls when Chris is bringing his delicious homemade ice cream
8 - Remember to replace battery in doorbell before the party so it works when people arrive
7 - Be sure to refill the chip bowl so people will keep eating all the queso
6 - Take more pictures
5- Don't put the men in charge of the gift opening if you want a list of who brought what gift
4 - Buy fly paper when having a backyard party with the door open
3 - Keep the bounce house over night so you can jump off some of the calories from the party the day before
2 - Camden needs a sibling to play with the day after his party when I'm too exhausted to play any more
1 - Don't tell a 4 year old to let you rest for 10 minutes and point to a digital clock and tell him what numbers to watch for to know when those 10 minutes are up. He will then tell you continuously when the numbers change to the next one and then talk about how they look like different numbers depending on how you look at them and...
The 2 things that make all that and more worthwhile -
"That was a fun party mom!" and "I like being 4" :)
I sure love that boy!
9 - Buy bowls when Chris is bringing his delicious homemade ice cream
8 - Remember to replace battery in doorbell before the party so it works when people arrive
7 - Be sure to refill the chip bowl so people will keep eating all the queso
6 - Take more pictures
5- Don't put the men in charge of the gift opening if you want a list of who brought what gift
4 - Buy fly paper when having a backyard party with the door open
3 - Keep the bounce house over night so you can jump off some of the calories from the party the day before
2 - Camden needs a sibling to play with the day after his party when I'm too exhausted to play any more
1 - Don't tell a 4 year old to let you rest for 10 minutes and point to a digital clock and tell him what numbers to watch for to know when those 10 minutes are up. He will then tell you continuously when the numbers change to the next one and then talk about how they look like different numbers depending on how you look at them and...
The 2 things that make all that and more worthwhile -
"That was a fun party mom!" and "I like being 4" :)
I sure love that boy!
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?
Edgar Allan Poe.
Dreams are an interesting and amazing thing.
"I have a dream..."
"A dream is a wish your heart makes..."
"Dream weaver" :)
There are so many different types of dreams. Dreams for yourself...what you want out of life. Things you hope to do and see and be part of. What do you want to be when you grow up? What's on your bucket list?
Dreams for your children...what will they do when they grow up? What interests will they have? What will they look like and be like?
The dreams we're all embarrassed to have...dreams of wealth, power, beauty, fame...
And then what are dreams anyways? You can't touch them, smell them, feel them...You can't guarantee they'll happen. And then when they don't happen...you're crushed. You can control up to a point but when the dreams are snatched away there isn't anything you can do. Sometimes they slowly fade away as we grasp at everything we can to try and hold onto them.
What started all this with dreams? The very weird dream I had last night. And that's another type of dream. The ones of our subconscious. The ones we have no control over and then try to sort out and make sense of. Are they things our mind think of and we're afraid to see except when we're asleep? Or is it someone/something trying to speak to us? Or is it residual of things we've seen/heard/done during the day. I find the subconscious interesting. Something we can't control...has a "mind" of it's own.
So, I know...you're curious about the dream. It was very odd. I was in NYC with family and friends. That's not odd...been there done that. [Get to again in April ;)] We sat down to eat and one friend kept asking to borrow things. I would give them and we'd keep eating. But then they asked for something I didn't have with me. It was back at the hotel. So, I said I would go get it. Off I went by myself to get back to the hotel and get this item. I was going to meet them at the underground mall in an hour for the half off sale. Sounds pretty normal so far...but then when I went to get the stuff I was driving Grace's power chair. I didn't need it, perfectly capable of walking or taking a cab or whatever, but there I was driving her power chair up and down the streets of New York. (She did like New York - and the subways). Then I got lost on some side streets - couldn't figure out where the hotel was. Kept wondering, trying to figure out where to go. Started walking, well riding the chair, with some teenager. Then there was an amusement park next to us. But it only had 2 roller coasters and nothing else. We got to a part of the street where we had to go down, so I was going to take the elevator. By this point I was making it clear to people I didn't need the chair, but that was the easiest way to transport it. Just to drive it - those things are heavy when you try to push them. So we get in the elevator and then it was more like a vehicle. There were several of us in there...waiting, not moving....I was of course irritated that we weren't going anywhere. I had a place to be! Some military personnel got on and we were all just waiting. Then some bad people got on. They were military from another country. They started with the officer of our military - started beating him. Then the other military people. The 2 ladies next to me decided they were going to try and sneak away...I tried to tell them they shouldn't..they got out and were immediately grabbed. I was next. They grabbed me. Picked me up as I was kicking and screaming and begging them to stop. They turned me like a battling ram and were running about to run me head on into a wall and I woke up. WHAT????
What in the world is all that?? I watched sitcoms before I fell asleep. It doesn't make any sense to me what so ever.
So, dreams. Extremely powerful. They drive us...what we want, what we see. They slow us down...when we're not sure what they are or our next step. They give us hope and desires. And they crush us at times. Just so incredibly interesting.
"Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?"
Dreams are an interesting and amazing thing.
"I have a dream..."
"A dream is a wish your heart makes..."
"Dream weaver" :)
There are so many different types of dreams. Dreams for yourself...what you want out of life. Things you hope to do and see and be part of. What do you want to be when you grow up? What's on your bucket list?
Dreams for your children...what will they do when they grow up? What interests will they have? What will they look like and be like?
The dreams we're all embarrassed to have...dreams of wealth, power, beauty, fame...
And then what are dreams anyways? You can't touch them, smell them, feel them...You can't guarantee they'll happen. And then when they don't happen...you're crushed. You can control up to a point but when the dreams are snatched away there isn't anything you can do. Sometimes they slowly fade away as we grasp at everything we can to try and hold onto them.
What started all this with dreams? The very weird dream I had last night. And that's another type of dream. The ones of our subconscious. The ones we have no control over and then try to sort out and make sense of. Are they things our mind think of and we're afraid to see except when we're asleep? Or is it someone/something trying to speak to us? Or is it residual of things we've seen/heard/done during the day. I find the subconscious interesting. Something we can't control...has a "mind" of it's own.
So, I know...you're curious about the dream. It was very odd. I was in NYC with family and friends. That's not odd...been there done that. [Get to again in April ;)] We sat down to eat and one friend kept asking to borrow things. I would give them and we'd keep eating. But then they asked for something I didn't have with me. It was back at the hotel. So, I said I would go get it. Off I went by myself to get back to the hotel and get this item. I was going to meet them at the underground mall in an hour for the half off sale. Sounds pretty normal so far...but then when I went to get the stuff I was driving Grace's power chair. I didn't need it, perfectly capable of walking or taking a cab or whatever, but there I was driving her power chair up and down the streets of New York. (She did like New York - and the subways). Then I got lost on some side streets - couldn't figure out where the hotel was. Kept wondering, trying to figure out where to go. Started walking, well riding the chair, with some teenager. Then there was an amusement park next to us. But it only had 2 roller coasters and nothing else. We got to a part of the street where we had to go down, so I was going to take the elevator. By this point I was making it clear to people I didn't need the chair, but that was the easiest way to transport it. Just to drive it - those things are heavy when you try to push them. So we get in the elevator and then it was more like a vehicle. There were several of us in there...waiting, not moving....I was of course irritated that we weren't going anywhere. I had a place to be! Some military personnel got on and we were all just waiting. Then some bad people got on. They were military from another country. They started with the officer of our military - started beating him. Then the other military people. The 2 ladies next to me decided they were going to try and sneak away...I tried to tell them they shouldn't..they got out and were immediately grabbed. I was next. They grabbed me. Picked me up as I was kicking and screaming and begging them to stop. They turned me like a battling ram and were running about to run me head on into a wall and I woke up. WHAT????
What in the world is all that?? I watched sitcoms before I fell asleep. It doesn't make any sense to me what so ever.
So, dreams. Extremely powerful. They drive us...what we want, what we see. They slow us down...when we're not sure what they are or our next step. They give us hope and desires. And they crush us at times. Just so incredibly interesting.
"Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?"
Thursday, September 1, 2011
How much ache can one heart take
Hearts are quite the amazing organ. It keeps working after it's broken. And what I can't believe is that it can keep breaking. Isn't there some point where the heart can't break any more? I know, random question. Let me back up. A family just lost their 2 month old baby boy. They are an amazing couple and wonderful and my heart breaks for them. I attended the memorial today...at my church with my minister...1st funeral service at my church with my minister and for a child...that I've been to since Grace. It just ripped that scab right off my heart and all the pain came flooding back in. That hard time breathing, that ache in the chest and in the gut. It just hurts so bad. And then hurts extra b/c it's hurting for the family b/c unfortunately I can imagine the pain they feel. People say to me all the time they can't imagine what it must be like, what it feels like, how I do it, etc...I don't want people to imagine or understand. It hurts too much and I don't wish that on anyone. So to know it happens again...it just hurst and makes it fresh all over again. And in the same week we've had 2 more SMA diagnosis in Texas - breaking for those families that are realizing their worlds just got turned upside down like they never thought possible. One of BF had a miscarriage, which breaks my heart and starts all the why questions again. And the it's not fair thoughts again. My brother had to put his cat down (I know not quite the same but we'll just pile it on there). All this week. All on that little heart muscle. How does it keep going when it is so heavy and broken in so many pieces? And then I feel ridiculous for feeling so hurt b/c none of those losses are even mine. How selfish of me to be so upset by all of them when it's not even me. It's them. They are going through it, not me.
Nothing makes sense. Nothing. Chaos. If they are lessons to be learned I'm tired of learning. If what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger I'm strong enough. If God only gives us what we can handle I'd like him to trust me a little less. And at the same time I want to do more. I want to be more available. I want to help more people. But how do you do that when it breaks your heart every time too? I just don't know...no answers...just pain and questions....
Nothing makes sense. Nothing. Chaos. If they are lessons to be learned I'm tired of learning. If what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger I'm strong enough. If God only gives us what we can handle I'd like him to trust me a little less. And at the same time I want to do more. I want to be more available. I want to help more people. But how do you do that when it breaks your heart every time too? I just don't know...no answers...just pain and questions....
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
From a book I'm reading. It's talking about God's Grace, but it fits my Grace too (who is also God's Grace) - "Grace is the delivery of a jewel that nobody ordered, a burst of light in a room where everyone forgot it was dark."
5 years ago today my Angel returned to Heaven. I’m so thankful I had her as longs as I did. But miss her like crazy. Just as much today as ever. I’ve been reading old entries of mine and they still hold so true. The dates could easily be changed for today’s date and 5 years. So instead of writing it all again here’s a few old posts that are so true! Don’t want to read it all? The bottom line is I love Grace, am thankful for her and miss her! Also very thankful to have her little brother here with us. He too is Amazing!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Four weeks. Four weeks. Can't believe it's been four weeks. Sometimes it seems already four weeks and other times like only four weeks. I just can't believe that four weeks ago today you left us. You were so excited that morning when you woke up. I told you we were going to see Hannah. You were excited. You couldn't wait to go...kept saying bye so we would leave. You spilled your football juice on the floor but I knew before I handed you the cup that you would. :) I miss you so much. I still feel so much guilt and coulda, woulda's....I would do anything for you..even now...I wish I could turn back time...If I could just have that one day to do over again I would do it differently. I love you so much. When you left so did my heart and soul. I know you have lots of friends and family up there. I'm sure you and Sister Mac are having a great time, eating lots of ice cream and going on walks. But it sure is hard for us down here. You will always be my baby girl. I LOVE YOU!!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Two months. Two months today. Part of me feels like that was just yesterday and part of me feels like it was a lifetime ago. I guess it's both. It was definitely a different lifetime. It's not the same any more. Never will be again. Nothing has gotten easier. We miss you and love you so much. Pop and I are hanging in there. Thank goodness we have each other. We are blessed to have all the other friends and family we have too, but thank goodness we have each other. I love you sunshine. Always have, always will. Butterfly Kisses up to Heaven for you!!!
Friday, October 27, 2006
The fog still hasn't lifted. I move, I walk, I talk, but it is all automatic. There is little feeling. Sometimes the fog lifts and the feelings rush in. Then, all I can do is cry. It seems the only time I am real, reacting honestly, without guarding every word or look, I start to cry. When the fog lifts for a brief moment, it's as though someone just kicked me in the stomach. As I am reeling with the pain, my mind registers the core prevailing thought: Grace is gone. Grace is gone. When I can't stand the pain anymore, my mind goes back into neutral, back into the fog.
Friday, December 29, 2006
I just don't understand. It's just all so unfair. Why can mean, bad, corrupt, murderous people live for years and decades...and precious innocent Angels...you, Morgan, Kaitlin, Cole, Nathan, Sydney, Braden.. and so many more...are taken way too soon! It's just not fair and I don't understand! What I do know is I love you and miss you. You were amazing from the day we knew you were to be part of our lives. You changed us forever and will never be forgotten. I wish I could hold you again. I hope you are up there picking out the perfect little brother or sister for yourself. Nobody can ever replace you but hopefully we can share our love with another little one. Please tell them all about everyone down here and how much they are loved already. Tell them to call us Ada and Pop...and that their first word should be Poop :) I hope you are eating tons of mashed potatoes, ice cream, chocolate and juice. I hope you are happy. I love you and I miss you!
Saturday, January 13, 2007
I miss you so much. I hurt so much. I just want to hold you and kiss you. I want you to pull my hair and laugh about it. I want you to say "poop". You were the most perfect little girl in the world. I just don't understand and it's just not fair. I would do anything in the world for you. I would do anything in the world to be with you again. I love you so much and I miss you so much!
I have so many emotions about all of this. I'm scared to have another baby. I want one like crazy...have since before you were born...but I'm scared. Scared I won't love them enough...that I won't feel the same about them as you....that I will lose them too....that I won't be able to hold onto them because they will have so much strength and wiggle and squirm like you never did....scared that they will have SMA and I will have to lose another precious angel. I'm also scared that this won't work at all and we won't be pregnant. I'm not sure our hearts can handle that. And I don't really want to learn if they can or not. I'm also excited at the thought of having another little one...of having a baby to hold and love...of telling her little brother or sister all about you and how special you are and how lucky they are to have such a wonderful guardian angel as a big sister.
I have been lost since losing you. I was your mother. For once my life had importance and made since. I love being Pop's wife but he can do without me. You couldn't. I love you so much and felt the role of mother was my calling in life. I have felt so useless and not needed and just lost without you. No meaning for me. I'm ready to continue being a mom
August 17, 2011 - we still miss you Angel. I love you as much as ever. Thank you for sending us your wonderful little brother and watching over him so well. He will make you proud I know. I hope we do too. Love you then, now and always!
5 years ago today my Angel returned to Heaven. I’m so thankful I had her as longs as I did. But miss her like crazy. Just as much today as ever. I’ve been reading old entries of mine and they still hold so true. The dates could easily be changed for today’s date and 5 years. So instead of writing it all again here’s a few old posts that are so true! Don’t want to read it all? The bottom line is I love Grace, am thankful for her and miss her! Also very thankful to have her little brother here with us. He too is Amazing!
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Four weeks. Four weeks. Can't believe it's been four weeks. Sometimes it seems already four weeks and other times like only four weeks. I just can't believe that four weeks ago today you left us. You were so excited that morning when you woke up. I told you we were going to see Hannah. You were excited. You couldn't wait to go...kept saying bye so we would leave. You spilled your football juice on the floor but I knew before I handed you the cup that you would. :) I miss you so much. I still feel so much guilt and coulda, woulda's....I would do anything for you..even now...I wish I could turn back time...If I could just have that one day to do over again I would do it differently. I love you so much. When you left so did my heart and soul. I know you have lots of friends and family up there. I'm sure you and Sister Mac are having a great time, eating lots of ice cream and going on walks. But it sure is hard for us down here. You will always be my baby girl. I LOVE YOU!!
Tuesday, October 17, 2006
Two months. Two months today. Part of me feels like that was just yesterday and part of me feels like it was a lifetime ago. I guess it's both. It was definitely a different lifetime. It's not the same any more. Never will be again. Nothing has gotten easier. We miss you and love you so much. Pop and I are hanging in there. Thank goodness we have each other. We are blessed to have all the other friends and family we have too, but thank goodness we have each other. I love you sunshine. Always have, always will. Butterfly Kisses up to Heaven for you!!!
Friday, October 27, 2006
The fog still hasn't lifted. I move, I walk, I talk, but it is all automatic. There is little feeling. Sometimes the fog lifts and the feelings rush in. Then, all I can do is cry. It seems the only time I am real, reacting honestly, without guarding every word or look, I start to cry. When the fog lifts for a brief moment, it's as though someone just kicked me in the stomach. As I am reeling with the pain, my mind registers the core prevailing thought: Grace is gone. Grace is gone. When I can't stand the pain anymore, my mind goes back into neutral, back into the fog.
Friday, December 29, 2006
I just don't understand. It's just all so unfair. Why can mean, bad, corrupt, murderous people live for years and decades...and precious innocent Angels...you, Morgan, Kaitlin, Cole, Nathan, Sydney, Braden.. and so many more...are taken way too soon! It's just not fair and I don't understand! What I do know is I love you and miss you. You were amazing from the day we knew you were to be part of our lives. You changed us forever and will never be forgotten. I wish I could hold you again. I hope you are up there picking out the perfect little brother or sister for yourself. Nobody can ever replace you but hopefully we can share our love with another little one. Please tell them all about everyone down here and how much they are loved already. Tell them to call us Ada and Pop...and that their first word should be Poop :) I hope you are eating tons of mashed potatoes, ice cream, chocolate and juice. I hope you are happy. I love you and I miss you!
Saturday, January 13, 2007
I miss you so much. I hurt so much. I just want to hold you and kiss you. I want you to pull my hair and laugh about it. I want you to say "poop". You were the most perfect little girl in the world. I just don't understand and it's just not fair. I would do anything in the world for you. I would do anything in the world to be with you again. I love you so much and I miss you so much!
I have so many emotions about all of this. I'm scared to have another baby. I want one like crazy...have since before you were born...but I'm scared. Scared I won't love them enough...that I won't feel the same about them as you....that I will lose them too....that I won't be able to hold onto them because they will have so much strength and wiggle and squirm like you never did....scared that they will have SMA and I will have to lose another precious angel. I'm also scared that this won't work at all and we won't be pregnant. I'm not sure our hearts can handle that. And I don't really want to learn if they can or not. I'm also excited at the thought of having another little one...of having a baby to hold and love...of telling her little brother or sister all about you and how special you are and how lucky they are to have such a wonderful guardian angel as a big sister.
I have been lost since losing you. I was your mother. For once my life had importance and made since. I love being Pop's wife but he can do without me. You couldn't. I love you so much and felt the role of mother was my calling in life. I have felt so useless and not needed and just lost without you. No meaning for me. I'm ready to continue being a mom
August 17, 2011 - we still miss you Angel. I love you as much as ever. Thank you for sending us your wonderful little brother and watching over him so well. He will make you proud I know. I hope we do too. Love you then, now and always!
Sunday, August 14, 2011
More Camdenisms and Summer Remorse
I knew I wouldn't remember all of Camden's cute sayings. So here's a few more and a funny story.Grink = drink
skrike=strike
gump = jump
kips = chips
mazagine = magazine
Top on = on top of. IE: "What's top on the car?" - What's on top of the car?
Beat up = beat. IE: eating dinner he finished his food first "Look mom I beat you up"
He is fighting bed time - has been for a few weeks. Just will NOT go to sleep. Tonight's stall tactic - he needs a drink. So he keeps asking for one, no we aren't giving him one and we're doing mostly ignoring. This goes on for quite some time 20/30 minutes. He asks again and Keven tells him "No, b/c if you have a drink now you win and you're not going to win" so of course he says "Yes, I want to win!" Still no drink. So more and more of this whining and wanting a drink and ignoring. Then a bit later "Hey mom? When dad goes to bed can you get me a drink?" :) Good thing he was in the other room so he didn't see us cracking up laughing. Still not asleep. Still needs a drink. His last try was about 10:15 when he asked if we were going to bed soon and we said yes and he said he'd get a drink after we both went to bed. Hmmmm...we shall see I suppose :)
Summer remorse - kind of like buyers remorse. Where did this summer go?!!! Why did I not get done a fraction of what I hoped to this summer??!! I had a good summer. Went on a couple of trips. Spent a lot of time with my wonderful boy, Camden. But that to-do list just didn't get to-done. That exercise and weight loss never took off. I've enjoyed being lazy and playing way too much. My piles around the house haven't gotten much smaller. I'm not ready to go back to work tomorrow! I'm not ready to wake up to the alarm clock instead of Camden kissing my cheek :) I'm not ready to be away from my boy for over 9 hours a day. I know, I'm lucky, I have the summer off (granted any teacher can tell you it's much needed and deserved - for students and teachers alike) But it's so hard to go back. To see all the stuff I didn't get done this summer. I know...negative nancy...cheer up. It'll be fine and good and life goes on. But it just feels like summer remorse and I had to let it out :)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Camdenisms
August Depression has reared its ugly head and completely sunk it’s teeth into me. No good! I just want to crawl into a cave full of chocolate, coke and fried food and drool as I flip channels aimlessly on the TV. So, to try and counteract that I thought I would reflect upon some Camdenisms. :) Things/words Camden says that we love the way he says them. Or little stories that have tickled us. It’ll be good documentation for him too. I’ll start with his word and then translate. :) See how many I can remember.
Flou Ball/Flou tip = Foul Ball/Foul Tip
Nuffin = Nothing
Sumpen = Something
Mr. Kratz = Mr. Pratz
Ms. Alinda = Ms. Melinda
Riv Room = Living Room
Agamas (hard G)= Pajamas
Gen (hard G) = Jen
Driving down the road…”Why does daddy know how to drive fast?” Me “Because he’s a male” Camo “Why is he a male” Me “Because of his chromosomes” Snickering from the back seat – “Chromosomes, that’s a funny word”
Camo “What kind of car does God drive?” Me “I don’t know” Camo “We can just look it up on-line”
He wanted to watch a movie in my car - I don't have a player. He said Marmee has one in her car why I don't have one. I said I'm not as cool as Marmee. He said Is Marmee cool? I said yup. He asked if he was cool. I said yup. He said if he's cool then I should have one in my car for him. Uh oh...
Me: Do you need to go potty before we leave? Camo: Why? Was I doing the potty dance?
At a later date he was moving around and I asked if he needed to go to the bathroom. His response – No, I wasn’t doing the potty dance I was just moving. See I was doing this…the potty dance is like this…
Deep thoughts..."My God made bathrooms all around the world. If 1 is locked we can just go to another. That's awesome".
Miss IncrediGirl = Mrs. Incredible (from the Incredibles)
On a ride at Disney he was standing up. We asked him to sit down and he asked why. Because you need to be safe and have a seat. No, but I just standing up. :) Goober!
He’s been talking a lot about Grace lately and asking lots of questions about her. It’s so bittersweet. I’m glad he is though. He’s been asking a lot about God too. I don’t know if it’s because it’s August so she’s around even more…or if it’s because he’s getting older and trying to understand/comprehend…I think it’s both. He asked the other day what was on top of my leg – I finally figured out he was talking about the knee cap. He asked me why we had those – to help us move our legs. So he started moving his and asked if Grace moved hers too. We’ve talked about her disease and her chair and everything. I told him she tried and she could do it pretty well in the water. He liked that.
Because I had told him God was around us all the time he later asked why God was so big. And was he nice and why is he nice. He’s asked why Grace had a disease, why did she die.
“I love you mom. You’re a good mommy. You’re a cute little girl”
I know he has said a lot more cute things but that’s all I can think of for now. I love that boy. And his big sister too!
Flou Ball/Flou tip = Foul Ball/Foul Tip
Nuffin = Nothing
Sumpen = Something
Mr. Kratz = Mr. Pratz
Ms. Alinda = Ms. Melinda
Riv Room = Living Room
Agamas (hard G)= Pajamas
Gen (hard G) = Jen
Driving down the road…”Why does daddy know how to drive fast?” Me “Because he’s a male” Camo “Why is he a male” Me “Because of his chromosomes” Snickering from the back seat – “Chromosomes, that’s a funny word”
Camo “What kind of car does God drive?” Me “I don’t know” Camo “We can just look it up on-line”
He wanted to watch a movie in my car - I don't have a player. He said Marmee has one in her car why I don't have one. I said I'm not as cool as Marmee. He said Is Marmee cool? I said yup. He asked if he was cool. I said yup. He said if he's cool then I should have one in my car for him. Uh oh...
Me: Do you need to go potty before we leave? Camo: Why? Was I doing the potty dance?
At a later date he was moving around and I asked if he needed to go to the bathroom. His response – No, I wasn’t doing the potty dance I was just moving. See I was doing this…the potty dance is like this…
Deep thoughts..."My God made bathrooms all around the world. If 1 is locked we can just go to another. That's awesome".
Miss IncrediGirl = Mrs. Incredible (from the Incredibles)
On a ride at Disney he was standing up. We asked him to sit down and he asked why. Because you need to be safe and have a seat. No, but I just standing up. :) Goober!
He’s been talking a lot about Grace lately and asking lots of questions about her. It’s so bittersweet. I’m glad he is though. He’s been asking a lot about God too. I don’t know if it’s because it’s August so she’s around even more…or if it’s because he’s getting older and trying to understand/comprehend…I think it’s both. He asked the other day what was on top of my leg – I finally figured out he was talking about the knee cap. He asked me why we had those – to help us move our legs. So he started moving his and asked if Grace moved hers too. We’ve talked about her disease and her chair and everything. I told him she tried and she could do it pretty well in the water. He liked that.
Because I had told him God was around us all the time he later asked why God was so big. And was he nice and why is he nice. He’s asked why Grace had a disease, why did she die.
“I love you mom. You’re a good mommy. You’re a cute little girl”
I know he has said a lot more cute things but that’s all I can think of for now. I love that boy. And his big sister too!
Friday, August 5, 2011
I HATE AUGUST
Saturday, June 25, 2011
There's no crying at Disney!
I wish I could say that was because of Camden, but it was me. I was missing Grace. We didnt get to take her to Disney. She would have loved it. Not that the girl didn't get to travel. She went more places in 2 years than a lot of people do in 20. She went to Houston, Dallas, San Antonio, Salt Lake City, New York, Seattle, and San Diego. We were determined for her to experience as much as she could. And she did. Except Disney. Hopefully she was there with us today.
It probably didn't help that we went to another grief session today. It was good, it's just always tough. Met some more families. Keven went back in the afternoon for the last grief session. I forced Camden to nap. So glad I did! :)
I guess Grace was watching out for us. It started raining right after the last session ended. Right when it was about time to head to Disney. But by the time we got done talking to people, waiting for the bus and riding over there it stopped raining. Timing was practically perfect. I like to think Grace and the other SMA Angels had something to do with that. Wanted all the kids and families enjoy their evening :) But we walked in and a Grace wave hit me. It didn't help that we were watching Mickeys Dreams do come true musical thing. Singing all about love, keeping dreams in your heart alive, dreams do come true. Just added to the pain. I know how blessed we were/are. I know we had her with us longer than we were supposed to and a lot longer than a lot of other families. But it still sucks and hurts and is unfair!
Camden had a lot of fun. He met Mickey, Minnie and Buzz. He rode Buzz Lightyears ride, the race cars, the tea cups and Winnie the pooh. He did so well! He got scared a couple of times - when the mean witch came out in stage and when they were doing a night show and it was loud and dark. But he did well. As soon as we got off the bus at the hotel he said "that was fun! I saw Mickey and Minnie and buzz! I got to shoot burg. Mickeys castle was fun!". So I guess he enjoyed it ;). And yes, sorry to disappoint but it's Mickeys castle not Cinderellas. And Mickey and goofy and Donald and everyone lives there!
We ran into several families there. One we hadn't met before but I had to talk to them because their daughter reminded me so much of Grace. Strength wise. A lot of the same control and same size. She was cute. Her mom was very nice. I always feel badly though when I talk to other SMA parents and talk about Grace. I can only imagine what is going thru their head. I mean the stupid path I was sent down might someday be their path. I hope not but I am a reality of the disease. So I feel badly talking to them and the idea of children passing. I hope I don't upset them too much.
That was something interesting that came up in the grief. What do we say when we asked how many kids we have. This was a tricky one for me for awhile. Because a lot of times it makes the other person feel uncomfortable. Makes them sad or makes them feel sorry for me. But 2 things happened and it's not hard any more. One being that I got over how they felt. I'm not telling them to upset them. I'm not telling them for sympathy. I'm telling them because they asked an I do have a daughter. Now it doesn't always come up that she's passed. Just depends on how the conversation goes. The other thing being that one time when asked I said just Camden. And I felt so guilty about it for so long. Like I had betrayed her. So it's easy for me to say 2 kids!
Well this has been a very scattered post but all in all a good day. As long as there's no crying at Disney!
It probably didn't help that we went to another grief session today. It was good, it's just always tough. Met some more families. Keven went back in the afternoon for the last grief session. I forced Camden to nap. So glad I did! :)
I guess Grace was watching out for us. It started raining right after the last session ended. Right when it was about time to head to Disney. But by the time we got done talking to people, waiting for the bus and riding over there it stopped raining. Timing was practically perfect. I like to think Grace and the other SMA Angels had something to do with that. Wanted all the kids and families enjoy their evening :) But we walked in and a Grace wave hit me. It didn't help that we were watching Mickeys Dreams do come true musical thing. Singing all about love, keeping dreams in your heart alive, dreams do come true. Just added to the pain. I know how blessed we were/are. I know we had her with us longer than we were supposed to and a lot longer than a lot of other families. But it still sucks and hurts and is unfair!
Camden had a lot of fun. He met Mickey, Minnie and Buzz. He rode Buzz Lightyears ride, the race cars, the tea cups and Winnie the pooh. He did so well! He got scared a couple of times - when the mean witch came out in stage and when they were doing a night show and it was loud and dark. But he did well. As soon as we got off the bus at the hotel he said "that was fun! I saw Mickey and Minnie and buzz! I got to shoot burg. Mickeys castle was fun!". So I guess he enjoyed it ;). And yes, sorry to disappoint but it's Mickeys castle not Cinderellas. And Mickey and goofy and Donald and everyone lives there!
We ran into several families there. One we hadn't met before but I had to talk to them because their daughter reminded me so much of Grace. Strength wise. A lot of the same control and same size. She was cute. Her mom was very nice. I always feel badly though when I talk to other SMA parents and talk about Grace. I can only imagine what is going thru their head. I mean the stupid path I was sent down might someday be their path. I hope not but I am a reality of the disease. So I feel badly talking to them and the idea of children passing. I hope I don't upset them too much.
That was something interesting that came up in the grief. What do we say when we asked how many kids we have. This was a tricky one for me for awhile. Because a lot of times it makes the other person feel uncomfortable. Makes them sad or makes them feel sorry for me. But 2 things happened and it's not hard any more. One being that I got over how they felt. I'm not telling them to upset them. I'm not telling them for sympathy. I'm telling them because they asked an I do have a daughter. Now it doesn't always come up that she's passed. Just depends on how the conversation goes. The other thing being that one time when asked I said just Camden. And I felt so guilty about it for so long. Like I had betrayed her. So it's easy for me to say 2 kids!
Well this has been a very scattered post but all in all a good day. As long as there's no crying at Disney!
Friday, June 24, 2011
Up, down and all around
What a roller coaster of days we've had. Good ones though. Thursday was good. Meetings in the AM with some good info and met some new people. Then my boys got here and that helped a lot. :) Thursday night was fun because it was our carnival with lots of junk food, games and of course Mickey, Minnie, Donald and Daisy. Camden did awesome with them and gave them hugs and high fives and had a lot of fun. Then walked around the Boardwalk some and visited with friends.
Today was a bit more emotional but good. They had a beautiful breakfast laid out near the pool and water. Then general session which was a lot of what I heard yesterday and then to a grief session. Hence the down. It was good though. It's always nice to be around other people that "get it". Not that we want other people to get it. Nobody should ever have to bury a child. It's just not right or fair. It's also nice because there were people there in all different stages of grief. Some that lost children over a decade ago, some a year ago and some a month ago. I was very impressed with that couple. For being here that is amazing to me. They got their sons diagnosis when he was 10 weeks old. He passed away at 13 weeks. That was a month ago. They hang even been able to absorb the shock and pain of the diagnosis before he was gone. I admire them greatly for being here. Lots of memories?
Crests and laughter were shared. Picking up Camden from the kids room helped. :)
Then we went back up as we headed to downtown Disney. Lots of shops and just cool stuff to see. We tried to eat at T-Rex restaurant - it's like Rainforest Cafe but prehistoric. Camden screamed on the way to the table though and couldn't stop crying because he was scared. So we left. He an Keven built a car. leven was a little bummed because he couldn't talk Camden out of Lightning McQueen. And we are too cheap to make it a remote control car. So he has to paidh around. They still had fun though.
Then we headed to Wpcot to hang out for a bit before our special dessert buffet and our special seats for the firework and laser show. Unfortunately that's when it decided to Rain. So we didn't make it around Epcot. All Camo wanted to see wa the big ball and we didn't. We wnt to the UK because it started pouring again and then ran in the rain to where they had moved our went. And missed the fireworks because of the rain. So Epcot was a bit of a bummer. Maybe tomorrow will go better. Although Camo did see Pooh and Tigher and hugged them both an Eskimo kisses. He said they were soft and liked them. :)
Tomorrow we have some more grief sessions and them hit a different park.
Sorry if there are typos - I'm typing on my phone and cAnt see everything I'm typing. We did meet another family that is stationed in England. They have a 4 year old that was recently diagnosed with type 3. She and Camden had a lot of dun together. He ha fun even though soaking wet. So far so good. Now ifthe rain will go over to Texas that would be great! People from here say they need the rain. Nah. They don't really. Not like we do. At least not until next Wednesday ;)
Today was a bit more emotional but good. They had a beautiful breakfast laid out near the pool and water. Then general session which was a lot of what I heard yesterday and then to a grief session. Hence the down. It was good though. It's always nice to be around other people that "get it". Not that we want other people to get it. Nobody should ever have to bury a child. It's just not right or fair. It's also nice because there were people there in all different stages of grief. Some that lost children over a decade ago, some a year ago and some a month ago. I was very impressed with that couple. For being here that is amazing to me. They got their sons diagnosis when he was 10 weeks old. He passed away at 13 weeks. That was a month ago. They hang even been able to absorb the shock and pain of the diagnosis before he was gone. I admire them greatly for being here. Lots of memories?
Crests and laughter were shared. Picking up Camden from the kids room helped. :)
Then we went back up as we headed to downtown Disney. Lots of shops and just cool stuff to see. We tried to eat at T-Rex restaurant - it's like Rainforest Cafe but prehistoric. Camden screamed on the way to the table though and couldn't stop crying because he was scared. So we left. He an Keven built a car. leven was a little bummed because he couldn't talk Camden out of Lightning McQueen. And we are too cheap to make it a remote control car. So he has to paidh around. They still had fun though.
Then we headed to Wpcot to hang out for a bit before our special dessert buffet and our special seats for the firework and laser show. Unfortunately that's when it decided to Rain. So we didn't make it around Epcot. All Camo wanted to see wa the big ball and we didn't. We wnt to the UK because it started pouring again and then ran in the rain to where they had moved our went. And missed the fireworks because of the rain. So Epcot was a bit of a bummer. Maybe tomorrow will go better. Although Camo did see Pooh and Tigher and hugged them both an Eskimo kisses. He said they were soft and liked them. :)
Tomorrow we have some more grief sessions and them hit a different park.
Sorry if there are typos - I'm typing on my phone and cAnt see everything I'm typing. We did meet another family that is stationed in England. They have a 4 year old that was recently diagnosed with type 3. She and Camden had a lot of dun together. He ha fun even though soaking wet. So far so good. Now ifthe rain will go over to Texas that would be great! People from here say they need the rain. Nah. They don't really. Not like we do. At least not until next Wednesday ;)
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
What was I thinking?!
What was I thinking? Coming to Florida to the SMA conference. Actually, I know what I was thinking. I was thinking I get to see all these friends, no my family, that I haven't seen in years. I was thinking my SMA family that knew Grace will get to meet Camden. I can be more involved with FSMA and try to strengthen the Texas Chapter. I was thinking I can meet a bunch of people Ive only met online. A family vacation that lasts more than 2 days and not in the car for the majority of that. Camden can meet Buzz and Woody. Disneyworld. I was thinking the happiest place on earth!
But the issue is what I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking about how hard this would be. How emotional it will be. I wasn't thinking about seeing all these children zooming around in their chairs like Grace should be. How so many of them remind me of her because all children with SMA just have that special quality to them. I wasn't thinking about seeing kids that met Grace and are so grown up now. About reading and listening to all the research which is great but also so frustrating. And then trying to absorb all that while missing my girl. I wasn't thinking about how big of a hole would be here without my girl with me.
So maybe sometimes it's good not to think? I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I came. Tomorrow will be a full day of convention and it's going to be so wonderful and so hard. Why do it? I know a lot of people fade away after they lose their child. But I stay involved because we need a cure. No other family needs to feel the pain.
I know we will have a great time. And I know Grace will be here with us. I just hope she sends us some signs.
What was I thinking? I was thinking I love my daughter and my son and this trip is for both of ten!
But the issue is what I wasn't thinking. I wasn't thinking about how hard this would be. How emotional it will be. I wasn't thinking about seeing all these children zooming around in their chairs like Grace should be. How so many of them remind me of her because all children with SMA just have that special quality to them. I wasn't thinking about seeing kids that met Grace and are so grown up now. About reading and listening to all the research which is great but also so frustrating. And then trying to absorb all that while missing my girl. I wasn't thinking about how big of a hole would be here without my girl with me.
So maybe sometimes it's good not to think? I'm glad I'm here. I'm glad I came. Tomorrow will be a full day of convention and it's going to be so wonderful and so hard. Why do it? I know a lot of people fade away after they lose their child. But I stay involved because we need a cure. No other family needs to feel the pain.
I know we will have a great time. And I know Grace will be here with us. I just hope she sends us some signs.
What was I thinking? I was thinking I love my daughter and my son and this trip is for both of ten!
Tuesday, May 3, 2011
Does it get easier...
People ask sometimes if it gets easier..missing Grace that is...here are some random thoughts on that...Easier to cope...yes, it gets easier. I wouldn't use the word better, but easier. You never get over it and you shouldn't. It's your child, part of you. A piece of you is missing...gone forever. I like the saying "The heart is the only broken instrument that still works"...or something like that. So true. How can it break over and over and still go on pumping. Even days when you don't think you can move, get out of bed, open your eyes..there it is pumping away. I think of it as a hole in my heart. Somedays that hole is small and I think of her some and I smile and it's ok. Other days the hole engulfs my whole heart and she's all I can think about and have a day of tears and memories. I think about her every day. I miss her every day. Some days are harder than others. My friends/family have learned...all I have to say is I'm having a Grace moment or a Grace day and they understand. Slowly you start to smile again and more and laugh more and have a good time and you don't feel as guilty about it. It's of course extra large around holidays. Having Camden has helped because I can't feel sorry for myself or get engulfed in that huge hole all day long. He needs me. And I need him. But I still make time. I went by her grave the other day and had a good cry. I was pregnant with 5 of my friends at the same time - so the kids are around the same age. One of them especially we did a lot of stuff together and pictures regularly...so it hurts to see thier kids - I mean it's good, I love seeing them and love them all..but it's very bittersweet..she is missing from the picture - from the events...from life. Last year I almost lost it when the kindergardeners walked in for class b/c she woulda been in kinder. It helps sometimes to talk to other people that have lost kids. To know you're not alone. You're not completely crazy. Everything you feel is "normal". Love, pain, guilt, anger, relief, sadness, confusion, guilt, resentment, guilt, frustration...it's all ok and "normal" Someone told us that when people ask...and it's people that don't really want the real answer...or you don't feel like giving them the real answer...just answer FINE. I don't remember exactly what they all stand for, but what I remember and think of is Frazzled, Insane, Neurotic, Emotionally Exhausted (or even just exhausted) - FINE. So true. So in a long round about way...the short answer is yes, it gets easier. Never better and never goes away and it shouldn't. And at the same time nobody should have to feel what we feel. To lose what we have lost. Nobody.
Saturday, April 23, 2011
Random collection of thoughts
April...can't believe it's April. This year is flying by. Camden is amazing as usual! He loves baseball. That and Toy Story (1,2 or 3) occupy him pretty much 24/7. He is playing T-ball and already looks like a pro ;) So focused and excited. It was too cute the other day b/c we had practice right after school so I took his clothes to change into. We were walking to the room and he said he needed his baseball shoes. I told him I had them and he asked "at school?" Yup. His response? "Yay, woo hoo, awesome!" As he clapped his hands. Way too cute!!! Wish I had been taping it. He is doing great at school - always wanting to help and please his teachers. He can spell his name and is learning to write it. He also loves UT - and has been to a UT football game, UT basketball game and UT baseball game. He is a true blessing and I am thankful everyday for him!!!!
Keven is doing well. Started a new job at HP and liking it. He stays pretty busy between that and keeping up with Camden's t-ball.
One of my half time positions was eliminated so I currently have only a half time position. I'm not overly concerned about it although I guess I should be. I would love to work only half time so I could focus more on SMA stuff and maybe get caught up on everything around the house and stuff...And maybe have another little one around to take care of.
We are still trying to adopt. I'm so more than ready! I'm trying to trust what's meant to be will be...but it's hard. And I've always felt you have to try and help yourself - not just sit around and wait for stuff to happen. But I'm starting to wonder if that's what I'm supposed to do. Sit around and wait. I feel like I get signs but I'm not sure which way to read them...or if it's all in my imagination. I just don't know. I did get a sign from Grace on Tuesday. That was nice. I was at dinner with friends and had been there for about an hour...and I look over and right next to me is a sticker of Boots. I had looked over there several times during the evening and never noticed it. And there it was. After we had been talking about adoption and kids. I know it was a sign from her. Other signs I've gotten this week are mostly that I can't control and plan everything. I learned that with Grace. Guess I needed some reminding. There was a lot going on this week, a lot planned...and a lot that didn't go as planned. So, I know I can't control stuff...but does that mean to not try and plan stuff? Not to try and do anything? Just to let it all go? Or can I still try and do stuff but just remember that it's not up to me...I just don't know....What I do know is...something needs to change...I don't know which sign I'm supposed to read or follow or what I'm supposed to get from it or do with it...but something needs to change...
Keven is doing well. Started a new job at HP and liking it. He stays pretty busy between that and keeping up with Camden's t-ball.
One of my half time positions was eliminated so I currently have only a half time position. I'm not overly concerned about it although I guess I should be. I would love to work only half time so I could focus more on SMA stuff and maybe get caught up on everything around the house and stuff...And maybe have another little one around to take care of.
We are still trying to adopt. I'm so more than ready! I'm trying to trust what's meant to be will be...but it's hard. And I've always felt you have to try and help yourself - not just sit around and wait for stuff to happen. But I'm starting to wonder if that's what I'm supposed to do. Sit around and wait. I feel like I get signs but I'm not sure which way to read them...or if it's all in my imagination. I just don't know. I did get a sign from Grace on Tuesday. That was nice. I was at dinner with friends and had been there for about an hour...and I look over and right next to me is a sticker of Boots. I had looked over there several times during the evening and never noticed it. And there it was. After we had been talking about adoption and kids. I know it was a sign from her. Other signs I've gotten this week are mostly that I can't control and plan everything. I learned that with Grace. Guess I needed some reminding. There was a lot going on this week, a lot planned...and a lot that didn't go as planned. So, I know I can't control stuff...but does that mean to not try and plan stuff? Not to try and do anything? Just to let it all go? Or can I still try and do stuff but just remember that it's not up to me...I just don't know....What I do know is...something needs to change...I don't know which sign I'm supposed to read or follow or what I'm supposed to get from it or do with it...but something needs to change...
Monday, January 17, 2011
A New Year
I sure don't stay on top of posting on this thing. I mean to...to put stories of Camden for Camden...a place for me to share and let out emotions...but I just never seem to. I'm missing my girl tonight though so felt the need to come here. I miss her every night of course but feeling it a lot tonight. Just miss her. Still have regrets....guilt....anger....jealousy....not understanding....but I do have happy memories and love her with all my heart and miss her like crazy! Camden is growing up wonderfully and knows exactly who she is. I know he doesn't understand it per se, but he knows who she is.
Camden is amazing. So smart. So funny. Very caring and helpful. We have truly been blessed with 2 amazing children. He still loves baseball and is all signed up for T-ball starting in March. See, then I get on here and can't remember all his great stories. His favorite songs right now are Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas and then several Christmas songs - Rudolph, Santa Claus is coming to town, Jingle Bells...and as we've been listening to the music for my latest show at school he's really enjoying it too. He loves music - to sing, to dance, to play...He started going to school with me in November and is doing wonderfully there and enjoying it. Everyone knows who he is and he always has a smile on his face.
We are still working on adoption...or rather waiting on it...We have done all required things and just waiting to be matched with our child. Camden is going to be such a great big brother. He loves to help, especially other children.
As usual a pretty short post...just mostly missing my girl...I need to watch some video of her but I know it'll start a crying frenzy...so I have to be sure there's nothing else I need to do for several hours after before I watch.
Hope everyone's 2011 is off to a good start!
Camden is amazing. So smart. So funny. Very caring and helpful. We have truly been blessed with 2 amazing children. He still loves baseball and is all signed up for T-ball starting in March. See, then I get on here and can't remember all his great stories. His favorite songs right now are Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas and then several Christmas songs - Rudolph, Santa Claus is coming to town, Jingle Bells...and as we've been listening to the music for my latest show at school he's really enjoying it too. He loves music - to sing, to dance, to play...He started going to school with me in November and is doing wonderfully there and enjoying it. Everyone knows who he is and he always has a smile on his face.
We are still working on adoption...or rather waiting on it...We have done all required things and just waiting to be matched with our child. Camden is going to be such a great big brother. He loves to help, especially other children.
As usual a pretty short post...just mostly missing my girl...I need to watch some video of her but I know it'll start a crying frenzy...so I have to be sure there's nothing else I need to do for several hours after before I watch.
Hope everyone's 2011 is off to a good start!
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