From a book I'm reading. It's talking about God's Grace, but it fits my Grace too (who is also God's Grace) - "Grace is the delivery of a jewel that nobody ordered, a burst of light in a room where everyone forgot it was dark."


5 years ago today my Angel returned to Heaven. I’m so thankful I had her as longs as I did. But miss her like crazy. Just as much today as ever. I’ve been reading old entries of mine and they still hold so true. The dates could easily be changed for today’s date and 5 years. So instead of writing it all again here’s a few old posts that are so true! Don’t want to read it all? The bottom line is I love Grace, am thankful for her and miss her! Also very thankful to have her little brother here with us. He too is Amazing!

Thursday, September 14, 2006

Four weeks. Four weeks. Can't believe it's been four weeks. Sometimes it seems already four weeks and other times like only four weeks. I just can't believe that four weeks ago today you left us. You were so excited that morning when you woke up. I told you we were going to see Hannah. You were excited. You couldn't wait to go...kept saying bye so we would leave. You spilled your football juice on the floor but I knew before I handed you the cup that you would. :) I miss you so much. I still feel so much guilt and coulda, woulda's....I would do anything for you..even now...I wish I could turn back time...If I could just have that one day to do over again I would do it differently. I love you so much. When you left so did my heart and soul. I know you have lots of friends and family up there. I'm sure you and Sister Mac are having a great time, eating lots of ice cream and going on walks. But it sure is hard for us down here. You will always be my baby girl. I LOVE YOU!!

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

Two months. Two months today. Part of me feels like that was just yesterday and part of me feels like it was a lifetime ago. I guess it's both. It was definitely a different lifetime. It's not the same any more. Never will be again. Nothing has gotten easier. We miss you and love you so much. Pop and I are hanging in there. Thank goodness we have each other. We are blessed to have all the other friends and family we have too, but thank goodness we have each other. I love you sunshine. Always have, always will. Butterfly Kisses up to Heaven for you!!!

Friday, October 27, 2006

The fog still hasn't lifted. I move, I walk, I talk, but it is all automatic. There is little feeling. Sometimes the fog lifts and the feelings rush in. Then, all I can do is cry. It seems the only time I am real, reacting honestly, without guarding every word or look, I start to cry. When the fog lifts for a brief moment, it's as though someone just kicked me in the stomach. As I am reeling with the pain, my mind registers the core prevailing thought: Grace is gone. Grace is gone. When I can't stand the pain anymore, my mind goes back into neutral, back into the fog.

Friday, December 29, 2006

I just don't understand. It's just all so unfair. Why can mean, bad, corrupt, murderous people live for years and decades...and precious innocent Angels...you, Morgan, Kaitlin, Cole, Nathan, Sydney, Braden.. and so many more...are taken way too soon! It's just not fair and I don't understand! What I do know is I love you and miss you. You were amazing from the day we knew you were to be part of our lives. You changed us forever and will never be forgotten. I wish I could hold you again. I hope you are up there picking out the perfect little brother or sister for yourself. Nobody can ever replace you but hopefully we can share our love with another little one. Please tell them all about everyone down here and how much they are loved already. Tell them to call us Ada and Pop...and that their first word should be Poop :) I hope you are eating tons of mashed potatoes, ice cream, chocolate and juice. I hope you are happy. I love you and I miss you!

Saturday, January 13, 2007

I miss you so much. I hurt so much. I just want to hold you and kiss you. I want you to pull my hair and laugh about it. I want you to say "poop". You were the most perfect little girl in the world. I just don't understand and it's just not fair. I would do anything in the world for you. I would do anything in the world to be with you again. I love you so much and I miss you so much!

I have so many emotions about all of this. I'm scared to have another baby. I want one like crazy...have since before you were born...but I'm scared. Scared I won't love them enough...that I won't feel the same about them as you....that I will lose them too....that I won't be able to hold onto them because they will have so much strength and wiggle and squirm like you never did....scared that they will have SMA and I will have to lose another precious angel. I'm also scared that this won't work at all and we won't be pregnant. I'm not sure our hearts can handle that. And I don't really want to learn if they can or not. I'm also excited at the thought of having another little one...of having a baby to hold and love...of telling her little brother or sister all about you and how special you are and how lucky they are to have such a wonderful guardian angel as a big sister.

I have been lost since losing you. I was your mother. For once my life had importance and made since. I love being Pop's wife but he can do without me. You couldn't. I love you so much and felt the role of mother was my calling in life. I have felt so useless and not needed and just lost without you. No meaning for me. I'm ready to continue being a mom

August 17, 2011 - we still miss you Angel. I love you as much as ever. Thank you for sending us your wonderful little brother and watching over him so well. He will make you proud I know. I hope we do too. Love you then, now and always!