Rambling to My Girl

Grace....it's just easier to write as if I'm talking to you. I got my neck all cut and stitched. Wasn't too bad. I can't really turn my head too much, but it doesn't hurt much. So, that's good. It was scary having them cut and pull on my neck, so close to arteries and veins and all. Only 11 more days until I get the stitches out. Really it's just one long stitch - but he said it was equal to about 20 small stitches. It feels weird though when they pull one long one out - that's how it was with your c-section. Strange feeling.

Marmee and Avus said you visited them on their trip to Florida. That was very thoughtful of you. She said they went to a butterfly house and that a little blond haired blue eyed girl ran up and gave her a hug. I know it was you. Thank you.

Your brother is really getting around now. He's still not completely crawling up off the floor and stuff but he is getting around just the same. It's a whole new challenge and we are loving every minute of it. He is very determined, very strong and so happy and sweet.

You have been on my mind so much lately. Not that that is very different than usual...but just really thinking about you and missing you. I think my anatomy class has something to do with it. Talking about things that you went through or or affected you...the fact that you're the reason I'm in the class...I'm doing alright in the class. It's hard, but interesting. I do wish you would send me a sign that I'm doing the right thing. I just wonder often if I am. What if I can't handle being a nurse? Not jus the blood, guts, etc..., but also the emotional part of it. Wish you were here to help me through it all. You have made me who I am and I love you dearly! I am so thankful for you and for all the people you have brought into my life. Just wish you were still here too. I want my cake and to eat it too - especially since I know you'd help me eat it :) I love you little girl. I love your brother. I hope he sees you and knows you. Thanks for watching over all of us.

Camden is learning to crawl

Camden is learning to crawl. (Don't mind Judge Judy in the background) We are enjoying watching him so much. It's bittersweet as it was something Grace never did. But he's strong enough to it for her too. No obstacles stand in his way. I'm sure she is very proud of him and wishing she were here to play with him. He is very determined and trying so hard. It's so much fun!!! He is very strong, but we just say what do you expect when you genetically engineer your child. ;) Just kidding! The dogs aren't sure what to think - doesn't seem to phase them. They didn't know Grace. Emily, the cat, however did know Grace...and has been unpleasanlty suprised at how strong Camden is and that he can come after her. :) Keven and I joke a lot that Emily is our constant. If something happens to her...who knows what. But I got her without Keven's approval and she is the one thing that has remained the same through our marriage. Strange but true. I know Keven has a soft spot for her now whether he will admit it or not. I am suprised though that Camden has not coughed up a fur ball yet - as much animal hair is around here and that he grabs with his hand. I really need to clean the carpets....some day. Happy Summer to everyone - I know it's already felt like it but since it officially starts this weekend and we have the longest day of the year...stay cool!

Where does it come from

And where does it go? Don't worry, not talking about money this time. Talking about motivation. I used to be able to self motivate...to kick butt and get things done. Not so much any more. So I had it and now it's gone. So where did it go? And where did it come from originally so I can get it back? I know what I need to do...I feel bad b/c I don't do it...but then that just makes me even more down and not doing it. So, where is my motivation? Did that sound like an actor? Sorry. I just know I need to eat better and exercise - for health reasons, not even vanity (although it won't hurt) But I can't get off my big ol butt and do it. I need to study more for class. But I keep procrastinating. I need to clean the carpets now that the boy is scooting around on them...but nope. So does anyone have some motivation I can get from them?

Grace has been on my mind a lot. Nothing new. Just miss her. Wish I had pulled over. Used a pulse ox. Bought a vest. So many things. Just miss her like crazy!!! Camden would be having so much fun with her.

He's really starting to get around. Still not an official crawl - more like pulling/dragging - but it gets him around. I'll share a video clip once I get it uploaded. Again...motivation. He's wonderful!

Not much really going on. Just trying to find motivation...to end the awful cycle of not doing something, feeling bad about not doing it, getting down about it then continuing to not do it...Sheesh. Circles are rough!

Hope everyone has a great weekend!

I can't complain

Before anything else - Camden crawled forward!! Not far, and more like a belly crawl, but he went straight forward!!! So excited!!!

I really can't complain. I know my last entry was a little bit on the complaining side...and I really have no right. I am so lucky and blessed...I have so many friends and family....I have a nice, although dirty, house...lots of stuff that we don't need...a daughter for 2 1/2 years on earth which was longer than expected and a beautiful healthy son...and a great husband. I want for nothing - well nothing I need. So I really can't complain. And I am feeling better about the money situation. We weren't/aren't spending crazy...we just don't make enough. The pay cut I took from going from teacher to paraprofessional...quite a chunk. We had been lucky with money showing up in the form of the house being redone and tax stuff. So, I feel better about that. So, I really can't complain....but...

I just don't really understand. Just when you think you get a handle on something or things start settling down...along comes a spider. I have to say I think I've done pretty well the past few years being the natural pessimist that I am. So is it all a test? Or a preparation? Or just random. I think I'll go with the random. That's easier to deal with in it's own way. Oh, all the ranting, sorry...my biopsy did show cancer - melanoma. And again, I know that's nothing compared to people with cancers that involve radiation and chemo and all that...or people that lose limbs in the military...I know it's nothing. But when does the straw the breaks the camels back show up? Hopefully no time soon.

I don't want to end on a negative. I have too much to be thankful for. And I am - for everyone and everything I have. I am so blessed. Just having a hard time - especially with it on top of PMS. What a note to end on :)

If trees would grow...

Money. Wouldn't it be nice if money did grow on trees? I don't know where it all goes. This month may be to weddings, baby showers, birthdays and Father's Day...but seriously!! I'm thinking maybe it does grow on trees...but between the heat wave and lack of rain down here, and all the tornados up north they don't have a chance. I would definitely plant plenty of them, and water them, and share the wealth.

Thank goodness Camden's smiles and laughs are free. They make it all worthwhile. Maybe I could try bottling and selling those - they are priceless. And it would spread joy to many. If only...

And how do you get self discipline and motivation? I used to have it. Not so much lately. Tons of stuff I would like to do and some of which I need to do...but if it doesn't matter in the end then why waste the time and energy? That goes for diet, exercise and stuff around the house. It all just seems like such an endless circle and in the middle of it all I still don't have my girl with me or any money. Guess that's what they call the rat race. Always running but never getting anywhere...I just don't know.

Trying something new...

Blogging that is. I write somewhat frequently on Grace's updates on her webpage...but when I write there I write as though I'm talking to her. At least most of the time. So it just comes out. Here, writing in first person...may be a little harder. So if these blogs jump around as far as point of view...I apologize.

Things are pretty calm right now around here. Keven has started his MBA program and is maintaing a 4.0 in his class. I have started anatomy and had my first test this evening. I feel ok about it, but until I see my grade.....

We've both traded in our gas guzzlers for smaller, better gas mileage cars. Unfortunately we both lost money on the deals since we owed more than we could get for them...but it will balance out eventually with the amount we save in gas. Plus we lost a lot of miles - we both got used cars but with low mileage...our other 2 were getting on up there.

Olive is our newest member of the family...our Papillon puppy. She's sweet and we, or at least I, am really enjoying having her.

Camden is amazing. He is getting so big!!! He is very close to crawling. He can get on all fours and then rocks. He is trying very hard. He has one tooth and a second one close to popping through - part of it already has.

Grace is still with us everyday. I feel I am losing her more and more but think about her all the time. I took a pinwheel out to her the other day and there was a gorgeous sunset. I think Camden is starting to recognize her, as he smiles at her pictures. We talk about her a lot. We miss her so much though. I can't believe it's been almost 2 years. Unreal. Unfair. Unbelievable. I sure do love her!!

That's about the excitement around her. Keeping so many in our hearts, minds and prayers!