August....again

Ah August...my nemesis...here we are once again.  For some reason we keep meeting about the same time every year. I always dread you, suffer through you, but make it to the other side.  I still go back to the Rodney Atkins song that became our song for quite some time "If You're Going Through Hell" I still turn it up loud and sing when it's on.

There is of course the obvious...it's HOT! I'm trying to be thankful for the mild and wet May and June we had, but now the 100 degree days have started and it's just hot!

But the real problem is SMA. So Many Angels from Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Including my very own.  Every year I play out the whole month over again.  Relive it all over and over again. Do I wish she was still here? YES! Do I still carry guilt? YES! Would I redo that day and change things if I could? YES!! Do I wish no other parent would ever know the pain of burying their child? ABSOLUTELY! Would I trade her or my time with her for anything in the world? HECK NO!

This year the  month is different than it's been in a long time. Usually one of my dreads is going back to work...now it's the opposite...the dread of not going back to work. I know, it was my decision. But it was a hard decision and a scary decision and hopefully not a wrong decision.  I'm sad not to be returning with my friends. I do better with a routine and schedule. I'm scared it's all a mistake. I'm scared I won't be enough for Lilli. I'm scared for Camden who is so much like me and hates change too going to a new school. I've been at school with Camden since he was 3...how do parents just drop them off?  It was so nice knowing everyone on campus, and everyone knowing Camden. I knew I didn't ever have to worry. I know he'll be fine, he's a smart, fun, good kid. I'll miss not seeing him throughout the day. But still...I'm scared.  I'm scared I will let my family down. I hate change. Don't do well with it at all..And yes, I know I'm not allowed to feel that way or complain since it was my choice, but too bad, I do.  And I'm scared of starting at a new school too! It's going to be hard to go from teacher to student. Hope my brain can do that again.

And it's the start of school. Grace would be starting 6th grade! Hard to believe. I wonder which electives she would have chosen. What she would have liked. What she would wear. What music she would listen to. Would she have a crush? So many wonders and what ifs.

So August...let's get this dance started so we can get it over with.  I will think of and remember Grace every day, although that's no different than every other day or month of the year. I will spread SMA awareness and continue to do so until a cure is found. I will host the bowl-a-thon where my favorite part of it is seeing all the families.  I will crank down my AC, except during the peak hours when we need to conserve so we don't end up with blackouts, and not use the oven. I will drop Camden off at his new school and go to my new school. I will struggle but I will grow.  I will get through this August as I have the past 9 years (really 9??!!! Almost a whole decade). Lots of memories, tears and margaritas.  

Graduation...

It’s hard to be the Mom when you want to be the kid. To put on the brave face for your kiddo when you’re just as scared and worried.  I just want to get back in bed and pull the covers up over my head.  If I do that then today won’t come and go, and although it’s a good day and good changes, it’s going to be so emotional.  Hiding under the covers I can pretend like it’s all the same and everything is ok. 

Today I know I will be happy, sad, excited, scared, and more. 

Today is our last day at Sommer Elementary. It’s been home to me for 7 years and Camden for 4.  We will not say goodbye, just see you later, but it will still be full of emotions.  Time for us to go on “a driving adventure” (reference to Dora)

Today I get to lead 5^th grade in their recognition song, “I Was Here”, by Lady Antebellum.  Such a fitting song in so many ways and I’m entirely expecting to bawl my eyes out.  Grace should be singing that song. She should be celebrating the end of elementary school. She should be here with us and it just sucks!  And it being our last day at the school adds to it.  Yes, I chose to make the change, so I really don’t have any room to whine about it.   But it’s a big change for me and I’m sad and scared.  The words are just perfect for Grace and for what I hope I did and/or can do in the future.  The chorus is:

I wanna do something that matters, Say something different

Something that sets the whole world on its ear.

I wanna do something better, with the time I’ve been given

And I wanna try, to touch a few hearts in this life

Leave nothing less, than something that says “I was here”

I’m scared of change and of moving forward. Of the unknown. Of new things. Of no paycheck. Of failure.  Of losing good things and people.  But perhaps I’m more afraid of regretting not trying. More afraid of doing what I really should be doing. More afraid of being too much ‘teacher’ and not enough ‘mom’.  I of course can’t let any of this show though because Camden is scared and worried and nervous.  This is a lot of change for him too.  

I will be brave for him. I will have faith that whatever is to come is meant to be.  That Grace is with us and helping us along the way.  That even if I do fail that it will be ok.

11th birthday

Can't believe she'd be 11 tomorrow. Seems unreal. Seems like she was never even here. I know she was though. If nothing else, the heartache is too real to ignore. I sure do miss her. Really struggling this year. Not sure why.  Can't put my thoughts into words so just some ramblings...I love you Grace and miss you more than you'll ever know. 

My heart is so full…yet feels so empty

I have so much happiness…yet too much sadness

How does it love and break at the same time?

How do I get back that which I have lost?

I know I can’t.

I know you’re always here

I know you watch from above

I’m tired of being strong

Of walking around like nothing’s wrong

Can’t do it all the time

It isn’t fair. It isn’t right.

Yet I am too blessed to have a right to complain

So much to be thankful for

But it doesn’t replace you

Nothing ever could

There are no words, only heartache