August....again

Ah August...my nemesis...here we are once again.  For some reason we keep meeting about the same time every year. I always dread you, suffer through you, but make it to the other side.  I still go back to the Rodney Atkins song that became our song for quite some time "If You're Going Through Hell" I still turn it up loud and sing when it's on.

There is of course the obvious...it's HOT! I'm trying to be thankful for the mild and wet May and June we had, but now the 100 degree days have started and it's just hot!

But the real problem is SMA. So Many Angels from Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Including my very own.  Every year I play out the whole month over again.  Relive it all over and over again. Do I wish she was still here? YES! Do I still carry guilt? YES! Would I redo that day and change things if I could? YES!! Do I wish no other parent would ever know the pain of burying their child? ABSOLUTELY! Would I trade her or my time with her for anything in the world? HECK NO!

This year the  month is different than it's been in a long time. Usually one of my dreads is going back to work...now it's the opposite...the dread of not going back to work. I know, it was my decision. But it was a hard decision and a scary decision and hopefully not a wrong decision.  I'm sad not to be returning with my friends. I do better with a routine and schedule. I'm scared it's all a mistake. I'm scared I won't be enough for Lilli. I'm scared for Camden who is so much like me and hates change too going to a new school. I've been at school with Camden since he was 3...how do parents just drop them off?  It was so nice knowing everyone on campus, and everyone knowing Camden. I knew I didn't ever have to worry. I know he'll be fine, he's a smart, fun, good kid. I'll miss not seeing him throughout the day. But still...I'm scared.  I'm scared I will let my family down. I hate change. Don't do well with it at all..And yes, I know I'm not allowed to feel that way or complain since it was my choice, but too bad, I do.  And I'm scared of starting at a new school too! It's going to be hard to go from teacher to student. Hope my brain can do that again.

And it's the start of school. Grace would be starting 6th grade! Hard to believe. I wonder which electives she would have chosen. What she would have liked. What she would wear. What music she would listen to. Would she have a crush? So many wonders and what ifs.

So August...let's get this dance started so we can get it over with.  I will think of and remember Grace every day, although that's no different than every other day or month of the year. I will spread SMA awareness and continue to do so until a cure is found. I will host the bowl-a-thon where my favorite part of it is seeing all the families.  I will crank down my AC, except during the peak hours when we need to conserve so we don't end up with blackouts, and not use the oven. I will drop Camden off at his new school and go to my new school. I will struggle but I will grow.  I will get through this August as I have the past 9 years (really 9??!!! Almost a whole decade). Lots of memories, tears and margaritas.