August...every year

I don't write enough. I don't let it out enough. August always brings it out. Always on the surface in August.

Looking back at past posts though there's nothing new to say. It's still the same. The same love, the same pain, the same ache, the same wants, the same gratitude....always and forever.

I love Grace. I miss Grace. I want Grace back. I feel guilt about Grace. I feel sadness. I feel depression.  I feel love.

I hate SMA. I hate that it takes people away from loved ones. I hate that there is no cure. I hate that Grace didn't live long enough to see Spinraza.

I hate August. I hate the heat. I hate back to school - the stress of it and all the posts about new years. Grace would be a Freshman in high school this year! It's good for me to get back to a routine though. I hate Grace's Angel Day. I hate Grace's diagnosis day. I hate that this year we will actually be in school on her Angel day...this could be a good thing or a bad thing..only time will tell.

That's a lot of hate. Especially as much as I tell Lilli not to use that word.

I am thankful for Grace and my time with her and wouldn't trade her or it for anything.
I am thankful for the people in my life because of SMA. August 30, 2004 changed our lives forever and everything from that point on would be different with out that D-Day. Even if they aren't part of the SMA community I wouldn't be where I am today with the friends I have today if there had never been SMA. I am thankful that I am blessed with 2 beautiful healthy children (yes, I still want more, no they won't ever replace Grace or fill that hole).

So, as usual August, let's just get this over with. Let's just feel the feels and cry the cries and move on and be done.