17

 17. Touring Colleges. Punishing broken curfews. Mending broken hearts. Prepping for SAT. Arguing about piercings. Laughing late into the night. Learning how old, lame and out of style I am.  That’s what I should be doing. That’s what I want to be doing. 

I debated about posting. Partly because I feel by posting it’s asking for attention and that’s not the point of the post. (Of course that is the whole point of FaceBook I suppose.) Partly because I’m not the wordsmith that Keven is and not in a “happy place” for her birthday this year. Partly because I don’t want people to know how much I hurt. All. The. Time.  But, obviously, I decided to post. For me. Not for anyone else. Just me. 

I can’t let today go by and not say something. Then it would be any other day and it’s not just any other day. It’s also cathartic to me to let it out. Most years I do try to focus on the happy and the positive today. It’s her birthday, it’s a happy and very special day. She was my first. She made me mom. She was Amazing! I love her and think about her every day.  But I don’t have it in me this year. Maybe it’s the global pandemic we’ve been in for almost a year now.  Maybe it’s Snowmageddon from a couple of weeks ago. Maybe I need to up my antidepressant. Maybe it’s because my memory sucks and I don’t remember everything about her like I want. Certainly not enough pictures or videos of her.  I don’t know. What I know is this year it sucks. I suspect next year will be even harder when she’d be 18 and graduating from High School. But back to this year. 

Grace was amazing. I always wanted to be a mom. Ever since I was little. The day she was born I didn’t think about the future and what 17 years later would look like. I thought about her. If I had thought about it, I never in a lifetime would have gotten it right. I wouldn’t trade it or her. I would never give up the short time we had together just to avoid all this pain. Never. I read something recently - “I always said that the one thing I could not survive was the loss of a child.  I was right.  The person I was is gone. I took her place.” -Kirsten Wood.  So true. I died too. I’m me now. I’m not the same I was before, during or after her.. For better and for worse. But I wouldn’t wipe her away if I could. I truly believe if she were alive we would not live where we do, have the jobs that we do or many of the friends that we do. Maybe not even the other 2 kids that we have. Crazy to think about that. 

Today Grace should be 17. When I reminded Lillian last night that today was her birthday her eyes lit up and she smiled ear to ear. “Yay! Sissy’s birthday! I’m going to tell my class it’s her birthday.”  She then asked if we were having a party and cake as usual. We celebrate her every year. I couldn’t tell her no, so we will grab some cupcakes and go to dinner, although we won’t be surrounded by all our friends and family like usual. This morning it was hard to leave the house. I just wanted to stay curled up in bed, but when we got to school, Lillian hopped out the van again cheering that it’s sissy’s birthday. After school she ran into my room screaming with joy and excitement because it’s Sissy’s birthday. She loves her so much without ever meeting her. They would have been trouble together. Fun, but trouble. I’m glad she can help me smile. 

Today Grace should be 17.  We should be celebrating. We should have a party. March 3rd is a wonderful day. March 3, 2001 - engaged to Keven. March 3, 2004 - Grace born. March 3, 2007 - Camden transferred.

I love you Grace Dyan. I carry you with me always. I hope you’re having a wonderful party in Heaven with Cheetohs, Ice Cream and Hershey Kisses. I hope you are surrounded by as much love up there as I am down here. Happy Birthday!