10 Years

I wanted to write something profound for today. It’s been 10 years without her in my arms. A decade. Ten percent of a century. Almost 25% of my life. Seems like that deserves something special and meaningful written. But I can’t find it in me. We all know Keven’s the writer anyways.

It still hurts. It still makes me mad. It’s still not fair. I miss her every day. Just because I can go longer in between breakdowns and crying fits doesn’t mean I miss her less. Just because I smile and laugh on the outside doesn’t mean my heart has healed on the inside. Just because I have two wonderful and beautiful children on earth doesn’t mean I don’t miss my one in Heaven. My first born. The one that gave me the only job I’ve ever wanted more than anything else.

It hurts. And I hate that memories are fading. Almost seems like it was a dream. That she wasn’t real. I hate that I don’t have more pictures of me with her. More pictures and videos of just her. I don’t care how annoying camera phones are and selfies, I am so thankful to have them so I can have so many pictures of my kids and me now.

It’s so bittersweet to see her friends growing up. And so sad that she missed out on all of it. She didn’t get to go to school. She would have loved it! She enjoyed people and was smart. She would have had fun.  She’d be going into the 7^th grade! That’s hard to believe, but true. Middle school clubs and dances. Slumber parties and first crush. Pre-teen attitude and frustration. What I wouldn’t give to be in the midst of pre-teen drama. Wonder what she would look like. What music she would like. What her fashion sense would be like (especially since I have none).

She didn’t get to meet her brother and sister or any of her cousins. They would have adored her. Camden would have taken excellent care of her. Lilli would give her a run for her money. I think they would have been a lot alike.  Goodness knows they both have that mischievous  grin.

As much as I miss her and am heartbroken, I’m also sad for her. That she didn’t get to do and see those things and more. That she didn’t get to experience life longer than she did.  

It’s not fair. I know, life isn’t fair. Trust me, I know. But it sure does stink. And today is not one of those days I can do the positive spin on it. I don’t care that “things happen for a reason”, or that “she’s in a better place” or that “God has a plan”.  Today is the day that just sucks because she isn’t here where she should be. Today is the day I dread every year. I still don’t understand why. She’s not more gone on this day.  And it doesn’t always hit me as hard as it is this year.  But this year it does…

Maybe it’s because I’m back to teaching and the room I’m in is just like the first room I taught in, before she was born. The room I left behind to stay home with her because I was going to be a stay at home mom. We didn’t have the diagnosis then, I was just living my dream.  Maybe it’s because Lilli has now passed her up in age. Lilli can now tell you her sister is up in Heaven. Maybe it’s because of personal changes taking place.  Maybe it’s because I hosted a bowl-a-thon on Saturday and a Kendra Scott event on Monday, both in memory of her, and I’m exhausted! I don’t know…

What I do know is a piece of my heart is gone forever. That I love her like no other. That she isn’t here and she should be.