People ask sometimes if it gets easier..missing Grace that is...here are some random thoughts on that...Easier to cope...yes, it gets easier. I wouldn't use the word better, but easier. You never get over it and you shouldn't. It's your child, part of you. A piece of you is missing...gone forever. I like the saying "The heart is the only broken instrument that still works"...or something like that. So true. How can it break over and over and still go on pumping. Even days when you don't think you can move, get out of bed, open your eyes..there it is pumping away. I think of it as a hole in my heart. Somedays that hole is small and I think of her some and I smile and it's ok. Other days the hole engulfs my whole heart and she's all I can think about and have a day of tears and memories. I think about her every day. I miss her every day. Some days are harder than others. My friends/family have learned...all I have to say is I'm having a Grace moment or a Grace day and they understand. Slowly you start to smile again and more and laugh more and have a good time and you don't feel as guilty about it. It's of course extra large around holidays. Having Camden has helped because I can't feel sorry for myself or get engulfed in that huge hole all day long. He needs me. And I need him. But I still make time. I went by her grave the other day and had a good cry. I was pregnant with 5 of my friends at the same time - so the kids are around the same age. One of them especially we did a lot of stuff together and pictures regularly...so it hurts to see thier kids - I mean it's good, I love seeing them and love them all..but it's very bittersweet..she is missing from the picture - from the events...from life. Last year I almost lost it when the kindergardeners walked in for class b/c she woulda been in kinder. It helps sometimes to talk to other people that have lost kids. To know you're not alone. You're not completely crazy. Everything you feel is "normal". Love, pain, guilt, anger, relief, sadness, confusion, guilt, resentment, guilt, frustration...it's all ok and "normal" Someone told us that when people ask...and it's people that don't really want the real answer...or you don't feel like giving them the real answer...just answer FINE. I don't remember exactly what they all stand for, but what I remember and think of is Frazzled, Insane, Neurotic, Emotionally Exhausted (or even just exhausted) - FINE. So true. So in a long round about way...the short answer is yes, it gets easier. Never better and never goes away and it shouldn't. And at the same time nobody should have to feel what we feel. To lose what we have lost. Nobody.
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HUGS - I agree! Our pastor said it's like a volume control. You can't ever shut it off - sometimes it's "white noise" in the background, almost unnoticed, but not quite. Other days it's blaring loud and it's impossible to concentrate on anything else. It doesn't really get "easier", you learn to "turn down the volume".
I saw "The Rabbit Hole" with William recently - I loved what her mom said. "Losing a himd is like carrying around a brick in your pocket. Sometimes you even forget, just for a moment that it's there. Then you reach in for something else and you feel it and think "Oh, that" and you don't mind, because it's what you have instead of your son."
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