Time to Think

I knew I was due for a good cry. Need one every so often. Probably why I don't like to stop and slow down. Probably why I keep so busy and just keep going. Then I don't have time to think, just to do. Maybe it's the Holidays too. Celebrating Jesus, friends, family....brings up memories of those we've lost. Probably doesn't help that I finally finished the book "Glimpses of Heaven" ...that I had been putting off for so long b/c I knew it would be hard. And it was hard. Good in parts - there were some nice stories in it...but still...brings up questions. It talks about what people say and do as they are dying. Grace didn't do those things. She was so young and couldn't say much...did she know what was happening? Did she feel loved and safe? Did she know we didn't want her to go? Was she welcomed into heaven and feel loved and safe there? Did she see the Angels come to get her? And if there really is reason and purpose for every persons life...why was her's so short? Did we really learn everything we were supposed to from her? Did we learn the lessons from her and her death that God wanted us to? I know we are different people now than we were before her. I know we have changed. And I know we loved her more than I thought possible. And I know as weird as it sounds, if she hadn't passed away we wouldn't have Camden. We would have a child, but not Camden...We have learned and done many things we never would have without her. Made friends we would never have met. But does that make the trade off worth it? Or any easier? And then...we have it so good compared to so many. So many have lost more than us...so why can't I accept that and be thankful for what we had and have. I shouldn't be upset because life is good. So many things I just don't understand. And I know we're not supposed to understand it all. It sure would be a lot easier if we did though. IF we had some of the answers. If Grace could have told us she knew...she knew what was going on...she knew she was loved...she knew she would be safe in Heaven. I do feel safer with her watching down over me...but wish I was watching over her like a mother should...