Another

 Another night, another tear

Another month, another year

All without you here...

Another give, another take

Another smile, another ache

All with a break...

Another up, another down

Another smile, another frown

All emotions drown....

Another hurt, another grin

Another loss, another win

All what could have been...

Another load, another cart

Another end, another start

All with broken heart. 

17

 17. Touring Colleges. Punishing broken curfews. Mending broken hearts. Prepping for SAT. Arguing about piercings. Laughing late into the night. Learning how old, lame and out of style I am.  That’s what I should be doing. That’s what I want to be doing. 

I debated about posting. Partly because I feel by posting it’s asking for attention and that’s not the point of the post. (Of course that is the whole point of FaceBook I suppose.) Partly because I’m not the wordsmith that Keven is and not in a “happy place” for her birthday this year. Partly because I don’t want people to know how much I hurt. All. The. Time.  But, obviously, I decided to post. For me. Not for anyone else. Just me. 

I can’t let today go by and not say something. Then it would be any other day and it’s not just any other day. It’s also cathartic to me to let it out. Most years I do try to focus on the happy and the positive today. It’s her birthday, it’s a happy and very special day. She was my first. She made me mom. She was Amazing! I love her and think about her every day.  But I don’t have it in me this year. Maybe it’s the global pandemic we’ve been in for almost a year now.  Maybe it’s Snowmageddon from a couple of weeks ago. Maybe I need to up my antidepressant. Maybe it’s because my memory sucks and I don’t remember everything about her like I want. Certainly not enough pictures or videos of her.  I don’t know. What I know is this year it sucks. I suspect next year will be even harder when she’d be 18 and graduating from High School. But back to this year. 

Grace was amazing. I always wanted to be a mom. Ever since I was little. The day she was born I didn’t think about the future and what 17 years later would look like. I thought about her. If I had thought about it, I never in a lifetime would have gotten it right. I wouldn’t trade it or her. I would never give up the short time we had together just to avoid all this pain. Never. I read something recently - “I always said that the one thing I could not survive was the loss of a child.  I was right.  The person I was is gone. I took her place.” -Kirsten Wood.  So true. I died too. I’m me now. I’m not the same I was before, during or after her.. For better and for worse. But I wouldn’t wipe her away if I could. I truly believe if she were alive we would not live where we do, have the jobs that we do or many of the friends that we do. Maybe not even the other 2 kids that we have. Crazy to think about that. 

Today Grace should be 17. When I reminded Lillian last night that today was her birthday her eyes lit up and she smiled ear to ear. “Yay! Sissy’s birthday! I’m going to tell my class it’s her birthday.”  She then asked if we were having a party and cake as usual. We celebrate her every year. I couldn’t tell her no, so we will grab some cupcakes and go to dinner, although we won’t be surrounded by all our friends and family like usual. This morning it was hard to leave the house. I just wanted to stay curled up in bed, but when we got to school, Lillian hopped out the van again cheering that it’s sissy’s birthday. After school she ran into my room screaming with joy and excitement because it’s Sissy’s birthday. She loves her so much without ever meeting her. They would have been trouble together. Fun, but trouble. I’m glad she can help me smile. 

Today Grace should be 17.  We should be celebrating. We should have a party. March 3rd is a wonderful day. March 3, 2001 - engaged to Keven. March 3, 2004 - Grace born. March 3, 2007 - Camden transferred.

I love you Grace Dyan. I carry you with me always. I hope you’re having a wonderful party in Heaven with Cheetohs, Ice Cream and Hershey Kisses. I hope you are surrounded by as much love up there as I am down here. Happy Birthday! 

August...every year

I don't write enough. I don't let it out enough. August always brings it out. Always on the surface in August.

Looking back at past posts though there's nothing new to say. It's still the same. The same love, the same pain, the same ache, the same wants, the same gratitude....always and forever.

I love Grace. I miss Grace. I want Grace back. I feel guilt about Grace. I feel sadness. I feel depression.  I feel love.

I hate SMA. I hate that it takes people away from loved ones. I hate that there is no cure. I hate that Grace didn't live long enough to see Spinraza.

I hate August. I hate the heat. I hate back to school - the stress of it and all the posts about new years. Grace would be a Freshman in high school this year! It's good for me to get back to a routine though. I hate Grace's Angel Day. I hate Grace's diagnosis day. I hate that this year we will actually be in school on her Angel day...this could be a good thing or a bad thing..only time will tell.

That's a lot of hate. Especially as much as I tell Lilli not to use that word.

I am thankful for Grace and my time with her and wouldn't trade her or it for anything.
I am thankful for the people in my life because of SMA. August 30, 2004 changed our lives forever and everything from that point on would be different with out that D-Day. Even if they aren't part of the SMA community I wouldn't be where I am today with the friends I have today if there had never been SMA. I am thankful that I am blessed with 2 beautiful healthy children (yes, I still want more, no they won't ever replace Grace or fill that hole).

So, as usual August, let's just get this over with. Let's just feel the feels and cry the cries and move on and be done.

August 17

What would you do if you knew that tomorrow was your last day with someone you love?  Would you stay up all night with them talking, laughing, hugging, crying?  Would you let them rest and just watch them sleep?  Would you stay awake all night in hopes that if you didn't go to sleep then tomorrow wouldn't come and they wouldn't be gone?  Would you beg and barter to try and make it not come true?  

What if you could change it? One decision made differently and the whole future changes. One change that alters everything else in your world - almost like the butterfly effect. It may make a difference if you knew what it would be like in 5-10-15 years...in the moment of course you would. In that instant anything would be worth it.

Wouldn't it be interesting if your life could be like A Christmas Carol and you could see how things will be and how they could be?

I hurt. A lot. And I miss my girl. A ton. I can't believe I haven't posted since last August 17th.  And that post, 1 year ago today, is still so very true. Amazing Grace how sweet the sound. I love you and miss you more than I can stand.  I could write non stop and never adequately put it into words.

My wish is for you to know how true that is - how much I truly love you, miss you and wish I could change that day 11 years ago.  I also wish for no mother to ever know the pain of losing a child. I wish to open my heart and home to a child that might not otherwise know the love of a mother, of a family.  I wish to continue loving your siblings and teaching them about you. About what love and Grace are truly about.

10 Years

I wanted to write something profound for today. It’s been 10 years without her in my arms. A decade. Ten percent of a century. Almost 25% of my life. Seems like that deserves something special and meaningful written. But I can’t find it in me. We all know Keven’s the writer anyways.

It still hurts. It still makes me mad. It’s still not fair. I miss her every day. Just because I can go longer in between breakdowns and crying fits doesn’t mean I miss her less. Just because I smile and laugh on the outside doesn’t mean my heart has healed on the inside. Just because I have two wonderful and beautiful children on earth doesn’t mean I don’t miss my one in Heaven. My first born. The one that gave me the only job I’ve ever wanted more than anything else.

It hurts. And I hate that memories are fading. Almost seems like it was a dream. That she wasn’t real. I hate that I don’t have more pictures of me with her. More pictures and videos of just her. I don’t care how annoying camera phones are and selfies, I am so thankful to have them so I can have so many pictures of my kids and me now.

It’s so bittersweet to see her friends growing up. And so sad that she missed out on all of it. She didn’t get to go to school. She would have loved it! She enjoyed people and was smart. She would have had fun.  She’d be going into the 7^th grade! That’s hard to believe, but true. Middle school clubs and dances. Slumber parties and first crush. Pre-teen attitude and frustration. What I wouldn’t give to be in the midst of pre-teen drama. Wonder what she would look like. What music she would like. What her fashion sense would be like (especially since I have none).

She didn’t get to meet her brother and sister or any of her cousins. They would have adored her. Camden would have taken excellent care of her. Lilli would give her a run for her money. I think they would have been a lot alike.  Goodness knows they both have that mischievous  grin.

As much as I miss her and am heartbroken, I’m also sad for her. That she didn’t get to do and see those things and more. That she didn’t get to experience life longer than she did.  

It’s not fair. I know, life isn’t fair. Trust me, I know. But it sure does stink. And today is not one of those days I can do the positive spin on it. I don’t care that “things happen for a reason”, or that “she’s in a better place” or that “God has a plan”.  Today is the day that just sucks because she isn’t here where she should be. Today is the day I dread every year. I still don’t understand why. She’s not more gone on this day.  And it doesn’t always hit me as hard as it is this year.  But this year it does…

Maybe it’s because I’m back to teaching and the room I’m in is just like the first room I taught in, before she was born. The room I left behind to stay home with her because I was going to be a stay at home mom. We didn’t have the diagnosis then, I was just living my dream.  Maybe it’s because Lilli has now passed her up in age. Lilli can now tell you her sister is up in Heaven. Maybe it’s because of personal changes taking place.  Maybe it’s because I hosted a bowl-a-thon on Saturday and a Kendra Scott event on Monday, both in memory of her, and I’m exhausted! I don’t know…

What I do know is a piece of my heart is gone forever. That I love her like no other. That she isn’t here and she should be. 

A New Angel

Easter is a time to rejoice.  Rejoice in the Lord for he is risen.  He died on the cross for our sins and went to Heaven to prepare it for us. We are forever thankful.

This Easter, however, my heart is broken, making it hard to rejoice. God gained a new Angel last night. Tambryn was 10 years old and one of a handful of children that have met all of my children.   She has a very special place in our hearts as she and her family was one of the first SMA families with which we connected.  She was tough, a fighter and a blessing to many.  I know she will be greatly missed, especially by her parents and her twin sister.  

I am glad that Jesus died for us so that we may join him in Heaven. And that he went to Heaven to prepare it for us. I do hope that Tambryn is with him, and her big brother and Grace, rejoicing in His love.  I do hope it is as wonderful as we imagine. I hope that she sends love and signs down to her friends and family. I hope that they all feel God's love, even in their pain. They are a strong and amazing family and I have always admired them.
So yes, Easter is a time to rejoice, but this year, for me, it is filled with much heartache.

August....again

Ah August...my nemesis...here we are once again.  For some reason we keep meeting about the same time every year. I always dread you, suffer through you, but make it to the other side.  I still go back to the Rodney Atkins song that became our song for quite some time "If You're Going Through Hell" I still turn it up loud and sing when it's on.

There is of course the obvious...it's HOT! I'm trying to be thankful for the mild and wet May and June we had, but now the 100 degree days have started and it's just hot!

But the real problem is SMA. So Many Angels from Spinal Muscular Atrophy. Including my very own.  Every year I play out the whole month over again.  Relive it all over and over again. Do I wish she was still here? YES! Do I still carry guilt? YES! Would I redo that day and change things if I could? YES!! Do I wish no other parent would ever know the pain of burying their child? ABSOLUTELY! Would I trade her or my time with her for anything in the world? HECK NO!

This year the  month is different than it's been in a long time. Usually one of my dreads is going back to work...now it's the opposite...the dread of not going back to work. I know, it was my decision. But it was a hard decision and a scary decision and hopefully not a wrong decision.  I'm sad not to be returning with my friends. I do better with a routine and schedule. I'm scared it's all a mistake. I'm scared I won't be enough for Lilli. I'm scared for Camden who is so much like me and hates change too going to a new school. I've been at school with Camden since he was 3...how do parents just drop them off?  It was so nice knowing everyone on campus, and everyone knowing Camden. I knew I didn't ever have to worry. I know he'll be fine, he's a smart, fun, good kid. I'll miss not seeing him throughout the day. But still...I'm scared.  I'm scared I will let my family down. I hate change. Don't do well with it at all..And yes, I know I'm not allowed to feel that way or complain since it was my choice, but too bad, I do.  And I'm scared of starting at a new school too! It's going to be hard to go from teacher to student. Hope my brain can do that again.

And it's the start of school. Grace would be starting 6th grade! Hard to believe. I wonder which electives she would have chosen. What she would have liked. What she would wear. What music she would listen to. Would she have a crush? So many wonders and what ifs.

So August...let's get this dance started so we can get it over with.  I will think of and remember Grace every day, although that's no different than every other day or month of the year. I will spread SMA awareness and continue to do so until a cure is found. I will host the bowl-a-thon where my favorite part of it is seeing all the families.  I will crank down my AC, except during the peak hours when we need to conserve so we don't end up with blackouts, and not use the oven. I will drop Camden off at his new school and go to my new school. I will struggle but I will grow.  I will get through this August as I have the past 9 years (really 9??!!! Almost a whole decade). Lots of memories, tears and margaritas.  

Graduation...

It’s hard to be the Mom when you want to be the kid. To put on the brave face for your kiddo when you’re just as scared and worried.  I just want to get back in bed and pull the covers up over my head.  If I do that then today won’t come and go, and although it’s a good day and good changes, it’s going to be so emotional.  Hiding under the covers I can pretend like it’s all the same and everything is ok. 

Today I know I will be happy, sad, excited, scared, and more. 

Today is our last day at Sommer Elementary. It’s been home to me for 7 years and Camden for 4.  We will not say goodbye, just see you later, but it will still be full of emotions.  Time for us to go on “a driving adventure” (reference to Dora)

Today I get to lead 5^th grade in their recognition song, “I Was Here”, by Lady Antebellum.  Such a fitting song in so many ways and I’m entirely expecting to bawl my eyes out.  Grace should be singing that song. She should be celebrating the end of elementary school. She should be here with us and it just sucks!  And it being our last day at the school adds to it.  Yes, I chose to make the change, so I really don’t have any room to whine about it.   But it’s a big change for me and I’m sad and scared.  The words are just perfect for Grace and for what I hope I did and/or can do in the future.  The chorus is:

I wanna do something that matters, Say something different

Something that sets the whole world on its ear.

I wanna do something better, with the time I’ve been given

And I wanna try, to touch a few hearts in this life

Leave nothing less, than something that says “I was here”

I’m scared of change and of moving forward. Of the unknown. Of new things. Of no paycheck. Of failure.  Of losing good things and people.  But perhaps I’m more afraid of regretting not trying. More afraid of doing what I really should be doing. More afraid of being too much ‘teacher’ and not enough ‘mom’.  I of course can’t let any of this show though because Camden is scared and worried and nervous.  This is a lot of change for him too.  

I will be brave for him. I will have faith that whatever is to come is meant to be.  That Grace is with us and helping us along the way.  That even if I do fail that it will be ok.

11th birthday

Can't believe she'd be 11 tomorrow. Seems unreal. Seems like she was never even here. I know she was though. If nothing else, the heartache is too real to ignore. I sure do miss her. Really struggling this year. Not sure why.  Can't put my thoughts into words so just some ramblings...I love you Grace and miss you more than you'll ever know. 

My heart is so full…yet feels so empty

I have so much happiness…yet too much sadness

How does it love and break at the same time?

How do I get back that which I have lost?

I know I can’t.

I know you’re always here

I know you watch from above

I’m tired of being strong

Of walking around like nothing’s wrong

Can’t do it all the time

It isn’t fair. It isn’t right.

Yet I am too blessed to have a right to complain

So much to be thankful for

But it doesn’t replace you

Nothing ever could

There are no words, only heartache

Camden's first funeral

I have to share how impressed I have been today with Camden and his first funeral visitation. We've talked lots about death and Heaven, because that's where Grace is. So we decided to let him lead with what he was comfortable with at the viewing. He decided he wanted to see her. Afterwards he came and asked if I wanted to. I said no thanks. Does she look different? (Grace did). He said no. I reminded him it was just her body and her soul was in Heaven with Grace. He said he knew and that God gave her a new body. He did think it was odd she still had her glasses on. 

Afterwards we went to dinner and then headed to the hotel. As we were driving he asked me if it hurt to pull skin off. I though maybe be had a scab or something. I said little pieces of dead skin didn't hurt. I wasn't sure what he meant. So he changed the subject and we talked some about whether she would stay there tonight and tomorrow. I explained we would bury her tomorrow and of course then he wanted to know why we bury people. I told him i wasn't sure. I thought there were different reasons different people did it and I didn't know  for sure. and then he said he hoped it didn't hurt grandma. I was confused by now. I asked him if she had a sore on her. He said no. I was very confused. He asked if she still had her bones. Yes. Did she still have her blood? No. She must have a hole in her. What???? "I hope it didn't hurt when her soul left her body to go to Heaven". Oh! That's what all the tearing skin meant. I told him no.She didn't feel it.  What an amazing thought to have!! Then he asked if you need wings to get to Heaven. I told him I didn't think so. That I think Angels come and carry you to heaven and you get your wings when you get your new body. "That sounds cool!"

Such a smart, curious, sweet boy. Love him so much! 

Happy Heavenly Birthday Angel Grace

9 years ago today I officially started my most difficult, most rewarding, and most loved job ever. Motherhood.  Grace came into our lives after a week long stay at the hospital, 3 weeks early, at 7 pounds 11 ounces. She had the biggest cheeks anyone has ever seen!  She was perfect. All we had hoped and dreamed for.  I was broken into motherhood quickly as she was a colicky baby and Keven worked over nights. The next 2 years, 5 months and 2 weeks were the most wonderful, most difficult, most loved filled and most heartbreaking years ever. In between doctor appointments, therapies, medical trials, hospital stays and FSMA/MDA events she smiled, laughed, traveled the US and Graced the lives of everyone she met. 

From before we met her I knew I wanted to be a mom. And a mom several times over. 3 or 4 sounded perfect in my mind. Never dreamt making that dream come true would be such a long, bumpy, winding road. So after SMA we knew personally we had to try other routes. We were blessed through IVF with Camden. When we knew it was time again we decided adoption. We spent 2 years, and said YES to 10 different children. Time to try something different.  On to egg donor.  We had a successful transfer Fall 2012, only to miscarry at 6 weeks.  Winter 2013, failed transfer attempt number 2.

So here I am, 9 years to the day of starting this, my favorite job. Blessed to be mom to 2 of the most wonderful, beautiful children on Heaven and Earth. I am so thankful that Grace ushered me into this position. I am so happy to still be in this position, even though it's a bit empty without her here.  And although I never would have or could have imagined the last 9 years they way they were, and that motherhood would be such a wonderful and painful adventure, I wouldn't trade March 3, 2004 for ANYTHING! I love you Grace Dyan Coggin from now until forever. Happy 9th Birthday!                      

The more he grows...the more I miss her...

        I don't even know if that's possible. To miss her more. Hard to think it.  But it sure feels like it. As he gets older I miss her more and more.
         I miss that she didn't get to do all the things he's getting to do. I know she wouldn't have been able to do the exact same things, but her own versions of them.  She didn't get to go to school. Didn't get to play sports.  Go to Disney World. Go to Morgan's Wonderland. Pick out cool new furniture and wall hangings for her room.  She didn't get to meet all our new friends and her little cousins. I miss that I'm not learning how to do little girl's hair or buy her pretty Christmas dresses. Although if she were like me she probably wouldn't want to wear them anyways.
         I miss that when he's riding his bike she's not chasing him in her power chair. I miss that when he's playing baseball she's not cheering him on.  And that he doesn't get to cheer her on at what she chose to do.  At the park there is no sibling to run around and play with. There's nobody to tease and torment him like I did my little brother. No sister to have friends that he can have crushes on. She can't read him a bedtime story and help tuck him in. I know she wouldn't have wanted to do that every night, but I think they would have been close.  I wonder if he ever thinks of things like that. About the sister that isn't there...
        I miss that I teach students and am surrounded by those the same age as her and she should be in 3rd grade. First year of STAAR testing.  She was easy going, she probably wouldn't even care or worry about it. Which is the way I would want it. (Camden's a little more tightly wound, so it will probably be a different story). She should be coming to school with us. Enjoying class, friends, field trips and birthday parties.  We should be doing homework, science projects and performances.
        No, I don't really think I can miss her more than I already do. And I am thankful for the time with her. And thankful to have her dad and her brother. But sometimes that hole in my heart, that will never heal, feels so much bigger. Like it'll just swallow up my whole heart. That it hurts to breathe. And I miss her more...

Grace's Greetings

Thank you girl! I am getting your messages and hellos in the last week. Thank you for all of them! What are these signs?
In the last week I've gotten 2 calls and 1 email  from SMA people wanting to connect and more information. Don't think I've ever gotten 1 phone call. I know that's her reaching out to me.
Then several people asking how many kids I have and then wanting to more about Grace.
Someone noticing my Cure SMA purse and wanting to know all about that.
Got my butterfly scentsy warmer today, just in time for her birthday.
Then a show I've been putting off watching for almost a month, I decide to sit down and watch and the 1st song is Somewhere over the Rainbow, which we played at her funeral to send her balloons, and the couple is trying to adopt.
Man oh man...and that's just in the last 3 or 4 days.
I love you Grace! Keep the signs coming to me. I love getting them!!!

Take 2

See...already remembering things I've forgotten....
One of my favorite things - Camden kissing me on the nose to wake me up in the mornings :)
Another Camdenism - Keven to Camden - "You're mom's pretty!" ,  "No she's not, she's married!" :)

Belated New Year

Wow! 2 months! That's how long it's been since I wrote? That's awful. Considering I try to do this to keep memories...I really need to try harder. I tried to keep some notes to remember some funny/memorable things...

**We were at Wendy's talking about things and I don't remember how we got on the topic but I made some comment about being old and moving in with Camden and being a burden. His response - You're not a burden mom! Awe, made my heart melt. I know he doesn't know what that means, but it sounded so sweet and I should have gotten it in writing :)

**My sweet boy taking care of me. "Are you happy, sad or tired?" Me "yes"
"You're tired?" "yes" "you're sad?". "I'm always a little sad". "why?" Because part of my heart is missing. 

"why?".   Because Grace took it with her. "why?". She didn't mean to but she did. " Well I'll tell Grace to give

 it back.  She's up in Heaven with God so I'll tell her give your heart back". 

Boy I love that boy!!

***Camden answered my phone when Keven called. Afterwards I asked him if Keven's picture had popped up

 when it rang. He said no, Grace's did. I said ok (her pic is my background). Then he said maybe Grace was 

trying to call. I said ok. Then he laughed and said no, that's silly. Grace doesn't have a phone. :)

***Ben stayed with us one weekend in January. Those boys had so much fun! And Camden was amazing

 with Ben. He wanted to help him and protect him. He was just wonderful! 

***We talk a lot about Grace and Heaven and God.  He was complaining one day because he wanted to be

 in Heaven playing with Grace and with God and it wasn't fair! I told him someday he could but not yet. I 

wanted him hear with me.  He said maybe he could put stairs up to Heaven and see her. I asked if that's how

 he thought Grace got there - no, she went in her wheelchair. 

***Keven talks a lot about China and teaches Camden about it. Camden was looking at a clock with the 

Eiffel tower on it and was talking about it. Keven said it was made in China- that everything is made in 

China...Camden said No. We weren't made in China. God made us! He's so smart! 

***Talking about the Eiffel tower...we were downtown and there was a helicopter but then we couldn't see it

 any more. Camden asked why. Because it went behind the buildings. We can't see it when it's behind 

buildings. He said we could if it was the Eiffel tower - it has holes in it. He blows us away almost daily!

***I was telling Keven something about a "Big 'ol truck"  Camden said "A pickle truck?"  We couldn't stop

 laughing. A pickle truck! :)

***Bedtime is always a battle. Camden doesn't like to sleep. If people are awake he wants to be awake. So,

 it's a problem every night. We started a sticker chart to reward him for staying in his room all night. So one 

night soon after he was laying somewhere, he was calling for me and asked if I was in the living room - Keven

 said yes, but I shook my head. So he said no, she's not. Camden asked where I was. She went to take a 

bath. Keven asked him where he was. My feet are in my rooml. Where's the rest of you? In the hall, but at 


least my feet will get a sticker! LOL!

So, Camden is great and doing great and continues to amaze us daily! He started riding his bike this week and

 is very excited about 'squid' marks. 

We are trying to move forward on lots of things.  House, kids, life in general...We've been looking at houses, 

trying to decide on an adoption agency.  Time will tell. 

This Saturday will be Grace's 8th birthday. Hard to believe! Miss her so much and love her so much!! 

Christmas Chronicles

Thought I'd better try and write down as much as I could about Camden's Christmas before I forget. Let's see...
Christmas Eve we went over to mom and dad's in the afternoon. We made cookies and pudding and hung out with family. The West Coast Davis' showed up and it was so good to see them. Took Camden a little bit of time to warm up but by Monday he was wrapped around their fingers. We went to church for the Candle light Service. That's usually when I cry, during Silent Night, but this year I played hand chimes so somehow made it through. Camden loved seeing Uncle Earl and Aunt Miriam singing in the choir with Bop Bop. Then it was back to Marmee's house for dinner and some gifts. He was so excited to sit on the big new table with everyone. And then when he got his gifts from Annemarie and Maura he was more than happy to ham it up. He did not want to go home. So checked to see where Santa was, Virginia, and told him we needed to hurry home and get to bed before Santa got there. That was all it took, he was running out the front door, no shoes, no jacket, no mom and dad - just running for the car. "We got to hurry! We got to beat Santa!" It was very cute!  He started to get upset b/c people in our neighborhood had their lights on so he was saying Santa wouldn't come because they were still up. We told him it was ok, he would come to our house if we were asleep, he'd just skip the other people's houses. Him sleeping that night was the best/funniest part. He and Keven wrote Santa a letter and left him candy and milk and he went to bed. In his room, in his bed, with his door closed. He NEVER likes to sleep in his room and definitely doesn't close his door. He kept telling us we better lock our door too so Santa will come. So he went right to bed. Now, usually around 2 or 3 AM he comes into our room. He didn't do that. I figured he was very tired. So, about 8 I got up to let the dogs out and I hear his small voice from down the hall..."Mom? Mom? Are you awake?"  Yup. "Can I come out?" LOL. He had been awake and wouldn't come out of his room til we were up and it was ok. I asked him if he'd been awake long...he said he was in bed then got on the floor and then back in bed and then back on the floor. :)

So, out to see what Santa left. He was SO excited that Santa ate his candy and left our key under his plate. He took things out of his stocking one at a time and loved them all! What was funny was there was some doublemint gum and it had Captain America on it, so whenever people ask him what he got from Santa, he says Captain America gum. Never mind the books, candy, T-rex from Toy Story... :) Actually he does like the T-rex too. He had a Belle ornament in his stocking - b/c he always joke around about Beauty and the Beast - he says Booty and the Beast - not sure he's ever seen the movie...but so he got Belle. When he pulled it out he laughed and said Santa messed up, that was for his little sister. :) So, hung around the house a bit and then headed to Marmee and Bop Bop's.  Then all the family came. From San Antonio, West coast and East coast. Camden had a BLAST! He got to help pass out all the presents, he saw all his cousins and played. Lots of food, family and fun. Just like holidays should be!! He had fun talking about his note to Santa and sleeping in his room and the Capt. America gum.  Before Annemarie and Maura showed up he kept asking when his friends were going to get there. Trying to remember what other funny things he did but can't think of them...he had a blast and did so well with everyone and everything.

Monday Camden slept late, which he needed! Then he was singing some in his sleep. Frosty the snowman. So funny. Then we had family pictures. 22 of us. Camden wouldn't cooperate at the beginning. He wasn't wanting to participate. But he warmed up a little after a bit and we took a bunch of pictures. I can't wait to see them! Then we went to Chuy's and he quickly jumped to the table with Annemarie and Maura. Then off to Austin's park and pizza. We walked in and he wanted to find his friends (his 5 cousins) He wanted to follow them around all night and did a pretty good job of it. So much fun! Games, putt putt, go-karts, chasing cousins. In the car afterwards Keven asked if Camden liked his cousins. He said yes. Keven asked if he liked one the most - he said Annemarie and Maura (definitely a ladies man) - then he said he loves all his cousins. Keven asked if he wanted to go home with them. He said no. I said maybe we could go visit. He said Maybe we can. :) He's heard that once or twice ;)  Currently he's off at the Zilker tree with the East Coast Davis' and dad. Having a blast I'm sure.

He has been so wonderful this whole Christmas weekend. So excited about the lights, the music, Santa..especially Santa. And no naps, and lots of sugar - and no major melt downs. He was truly amazing! Should say IS truly amazing.

Holiday Heartache

I miss my girl constantly. But for whatever reason the holidays are even harder. Maybe because I should be shopping for 2 kids instead of 1. Maybe because she was the cutest Santa.  Maybe because it's about the birth of Jesus and wonderful things and all I can think about is missing her. Or the guilt I feel about being sad for her and should be happy for Camden.  Guilty for feeling badly when so many other people have lost so much more than I, and I am truly blessed. Camden is talking a lot about her and sometimes I feel badly about that. I mean, I love it, very bittersweet. I'm glad he knows her, loves her, thinks about her...but am I doing him a disservice by talking about her so much? I sure hope not. I sure hope he never feels he's in her shadow. I hope he knows how incredibly special he is and loved and how blessed we are to have him.  Here are some of the comments he's made lately...

Shopping for the Giving Tree at church, we had an 8 month old little girl, Camden "I want a little sister. We could get her those pajamas"

At Wal-Mart we walked past an end cap of all these baby dolls - "I want a sister. And when she gets bigger I'll buy her this doll"  A lot of times he says he wants a brother because he already has a sister.  I would love for him to have both - a brother and another sister.

The 2 that hurt the most, but also meant the most to me...He called me into the other room today to show me a picture of Grace. He pointed to a picture of him and his 2 cousins and said the youngest was Grace. I explained who they were and reminded him. He got very upset and said he wanted Grace in the picture with him! That hurts..hurts me because he obviously hurts and because I'd love that too.

Then tonight my mom was telling someone that her (my mom's) dog had died in April. Camden said she went up to Heaven. We all agreed. Then he said when he gets to Heaven he gets to play with Grace. And with God. He had mentioned that before. That it wasn't fair and that he wanted to go to Heaven and play with her. I told him he will someday, but hopefully not soon, I need him here with me for now. And he's right, it's not fair. He should have his big sister here with him. They would be having so much fun!  He asked one time how she got to Heaven...I don't remember what I said...maybe by becoming an Angel....he decided she drove her power chair up there. :)

He is so excited about Christmas. It's so much fun watching him. He liked it last year, but this year he is getting into all of it. The music, the lights, Santa, family...it's so much fun. So I'm trying to focus on him. And I do...but it doesn't take my thoughts from her.  Here's a candle lighting ritual we do on Christmas Eve. I forget where we got it from or I'd give proper acknowledgement. Thought I'd share though as it works for any loved ones.

It's 4 candles and usually 5 of my family members read. I read if I can...
1 -"As we light these candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories and one for our love."
2 - Light 1st candle - "The light of this candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you."
3 - Light 2nd candle - "The light of this candle represents our courage to confront our sorrow; to comfort each other; to change our lives."
4 - Light 3rd candle - "This candle is a light ot all of our memories of you. To the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us."
5 - Light 4th candle - "This candle is the light of our love. As we enter the holiday season, day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We are thankful for the gift your life brought to each of us. We love you always"


I love both my beautiful children! I am so incredibly thankful for them both and blessed by them both. I just wish I had both here with me, however selfish that is. 

In need of Angels

Grace. I love you and I miss you. And right now I need you. And your friends. And not just for me but for so many people down here. There has been too much heartache in the past week for too many families. It's not right and it's not fair and it just really stinks! Please surround us all with your love and protection and help us to get through this too. I love you baby girl!

Top 10 lessons this weekend/birthday party (and all by 2:00 on Sunday)

10 - This year's flu vaccine will give Keven the flu - fever, chills, sweats and all
9 - Buy bowls when Chris is bringing his delicious homemade ice cream
8 - Remember to replace battery in doorbell before the party so it works when people arrive
7 - Be sure to refill the chip bowl so people will keep eating all the queso
6 - Take more pictures
5- Don't put the men in charge of the gift opening if you want a list of who brought what gift
4 - Buy fly paper when having a backyard party with the door open
3 - Keep the bounce house over night so you can jump off some of the calories from the party the day before
2 - Camden needs a sibling to play with the day after his party when I'm too exhausted to play any more
1 - Don't tell a 4 year old to let you rest for 10 minutes and point to a digital clock and tell him what numbers to watch for to know when those 10 minutes are up. He will then tell you continuously when the numbers change to the next one and then talk about how they look like different numbers depending on how you look at them and...

The 2 things that make all that and more worthwhile -
                             "That was a fun party mom!" and "I like being 4" :)

I sure love that boy!

Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe.
 Dreams are an interesting and amazing thing.

"I have a dream..."
"A dream is a wish your heart makes..."
"Dream weaver" :)

There are so many different types of dreams.  Dreams for yourself...what you want out of life. Things you hope to do and see and be part of. What do you want to be when you grow up? What's on your bucket list?

Dreams for your children...what will they do when they grow up? What interests will they have? What will they look like and be like?

The dreams we're all embarrassed to have...dreams of wealth,  power, beauty, fame...

And then what are dreams anyways? You can't touch them, smell them, feel them...You can't guarantee they'll happen. And then when they don't happen...you're crushed. You can control up to a point but when the dreams are snatched away there isn't anything you can do. Sometimes they slowly fade away as we grasp at everything we can to try and hold onto them.

What started all this with dreams? The very weird dream I had last night. And that's another type of dream. The ones of our subconscious. The ones we have no control over and then try to sort out and make sense of. Are they things our mind think of and we're afraid to see except when we're asleep?  Or is it someone/something trying to speak to us? Or is it residual of things we've seen/heard/done during the day. I find the subconscious interesting. Something we can't control...has a "mind" of it's own.

So, I know...you're curious about the dream. It was very odd. I was in NYC with family and friends. That's not odd...been there done that. [Get to again in April ;)] We sat down to eat and one friend kept asking to borrow things. I would give them and we'd keep eating. But then they asked for something I didn't have with me. It was back at the hotel. So, I said I would go get it. Off I went by myself to get back to the hotel and get this item. I was going to meet them at the underground mall in an hour for the half off sale.  Sounds pretty normal so far...but then when I went to get the stuff I was driving Grace's power chair. I didn't need it, perfectly capable of walking or taking a cab or whatever, but there I was driving her power chair up and down the streets of New York. (She did like New York - and the subways). Then I got lost on some side streets - couldn't figure out where the hotel was.  Kept wondering, trying to figure out where to go. Started walking, well riding the chair, with some teenager. Then there was an amusement park next to us. But it only had 2 roller coasters and nothing else. We got to a part of the street where we had to go down, so I was going to take the elevator. By this point I was making it clear to people I didn't need the chair, but that was the easiest way to transport it. Just to drive it - those things are heavy when you try to push them. So we get in the elevator and then it was more like a vehicle.  There were several of us in there...waiting, not moving....I was of course irritated that we weren't going anywhere. I had a place to be! Some military personnel got on and we were all just waiting.  Then some bad people got on. They were military from another country. They started with the officer of our military - started beating him. Then the other military people. The 2 ladies next to me decided they were going to try and sneak away...I tried to tell them they shouldn't..they got out and were immediately grabbed. I was next. They grabbed me. Picked me up as I was kicking and screaming and begging them to stop. They turned me like a battling ram and were running about to run me head on into a wall and I woke up. WHAT????

What in the world is all that?? I watched sitcoms before I fell asleep.  It doesn't make any sense to me what so ever.

So, dreams. Extremely powerful. They drive us...what we want, what we see. They slow us down...when we're not sure what they are or our next step. They give us hope and desires. And they crush us at times. Just so incredibly interesting.

"Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?"