I miss that she didn't get to do all the things he's getting to do. I know she wouldn't have been able to do the exact same things, but her own versions of them. She didn't get to go to school. Didn't get to play sports. Go to Disney World. Go to Morgan's Wonderland. Pick out cool new furniture and wall hangings for her room. She didn't get to meet all our new friends and her little cousins. I miss that I'm not learning how to do little girl's hair or buy her pretty Christmas dresses. Although if she were like me she probably wouldn't want to wear them anyways.
I miss that when he's riding his bike she's not chasing him in her power chair. I miss that when he's playing baseball she's not cheering him on. And that he doesn't get to cheer her on at what she chose to do. At the park there is no sibling to run around and play with. There's nobody to tease and torment him like I did my little brother. No sister to have friends that he can have crushes on. She can't read him a bedtime story and help tuck him in. I know she wouldn't have wanted to do that every night, but I think they would have been close. I wonder if he ever thinks of things like that. About the sister that isn't there...
I miss that I teach students and am surrounded by those the same age as her and she should be in 3rd grade. First year of STAAR testing. She was easy going, she probably wouldn't even care or worry about it. Which is the way I would want it. (Camden's a little more tightly wound, so it will probably be a different story). She should be coming to school with us. Enjoying class, friends, field trips and birthday parties. We should be doing homework, science projects and performances.
No, I don't really think I can miss her more than I already do. And I am thankful for the time with her. And thankful to have her dad and her brother. But sometimes that hole in my heart, that will never heal, feels so much bigger. Like it'll just swallow up my whole heart. That it hurts to breathe. And I miss her more...
1 comment:
Oh Kelly, I can't fathom your pain. Im an Episcopalian and we say "God be with you. Christ be with you. God be with you." I mean it. May He always be with Grace. May He always be with Camden. Camden is lucky in my book because most of us grow up never knowing how much our parents love us until we have our own. He knows because he gets to see how much you love Grace and therefore him as a child of yours. Morrow
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