Holiday Heartache

I miss my girl constantly. But for whatever reason the holidays are even harder. Maybe because I should be shopping for 2 kids instead of 1. Maybe because she was the cutest Santa.  Maybe because it's about the birth of Jesus and wonderful things and all I can think about is missing her. Or the guilt I feel about being sad for her and should be happy for Camden.  Guilty for feeling badly when so many other people have lost so much more than I, and I am truly blessed. Camden is talking a lot about her and sometimes I feel badly about that. I mean, I love it, very bittersweet. I'm glad he knows her, loves her, thinks about her...but am I doing him a disservice by talking about her so much? I sure hope not. I sure hope he never feels he's in her shadow. I hope he knows how incredibly special he is and loved and how blessed we are to have him.  Here are some of the comments he's made lately...

Shopping for the Giving Tree at church, we had an 8 month old little girl, Camden "I want a little sister. We could get her those pajamas"

At Wal-Mart we walked past an end cap of all these baby dolls - "I want a sister. And when she gets bigger I'll buy her this doll"  A lot of times he says he wants a brother because he already has a sister.  I would love for him to have both - a brother and another sister.

The 2 that hurt the most, but also meant the most to me...He called me into the other room today to show me a picture of Grace. He pointed to a picture of him and his 2 cousins and said the youngest was Grace. I explained who they were and reminded him. He got very upset and said he wanted Grace in the picture with him! That hurts..hurts me because he obviously hurts and because I'd love that too.

Then tonight my mom was telling someone that her (my mom's) dog had died in April. Camden said she went up to Heaven. We all agreed. Then he said when he gets to Heaven he gets to play with Grace. And with God. He had mentioned that before. That it wasn't fair and that he wanted to go to Heaven and play with her. I told him he will someday, but hopefully not soon, I need him here with me for now. And he's right, it's not fair. He should have his big sister here with him. They would be having so much fun!  He asked one time how she got to Heaven...I don't remember what I said...maybe by becoming an Angel....he decided she drove her power chair up there. :)

He is so excited about Christmas. It's so much fun watching him. He liked it last year, but this year he is getting into all of it. The music, the lights, Santa, family...it's so much fun. So I'm trying to focus on him. And I do...but it doesn't take my thoughts from her.  Here's a candle lighting ritual we do on Christmas Eve. I forget where we got it from or I'd give proper acknowledgement. Thought I'd share though as it works for any loved ones.

It's 4 candles and usually 5 of my family members read. I read if I can...
1 -"As we light these candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories and one for our love."
2 - Light 1st candle - "The light of this candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you."
3 - Light 2nd candle - "The light of this candle represents our courage to confront our sorrow; to comfort each other; to change our lives."
4 - Light 3rd candle - "This candle is a light ot all of our memories of you. To the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us."
5 - Light 4th candle - "This candle is the light of our love. As we enter the holiday season, day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We are thankful for the gift your life brought to each of us. We love you always"


I love both my beautiful children! I am so incredibly thankful for them both and blessed by them both. I just wish I had both here with me, however selfish that is.