Belated New Year

Wow! 2 months! That's how long it's been since I wrote? That's awful. Considering I try to do this to keep memories...I really need to try harder. I tried to keep some notes to remember some funny/memorable things...

**We were at Wendy's talking about things and I don't remember how we got on the topic but I made some comment about being old and moving in with Camden and being a burden. His response - You're not a burden mom! Awe, made my heart melt. I know he doesn't know what that means, but it sounded so sweet and I should have gotten it in writing :)

**My sweet boy taking care of me. "Are you happy, sad or tired?" Me "yes"
"You're tired?" "yes" "you're sad?". "I'm always a little sad". "why?" Because part of my heart is missing. 

"why?".   Because Grace took it with her. "why?". She didn't mean to but she did. " Well I'll tell Grace to give

 it back.  She's up in Heaven with God so I'll tell her give your heart back". 

Boy I love that boy!!

***Camden answered my phone when Keven called. Afterwards I asked him if Keven's picture had popped up

 when it rang. He said no, Grace's did. I said ok (her pic is my background). Then he said maybe Grace was 

trying to call. I said ok. Then he laughed and said no, that's silly. Grace doesn't have a phone. :)

***Ben stayed with us one weekend in January. Those boys had so much fun! And Camden was amazing

 with Ben. He wanted to help him and protect him. He was just wonderful! 

***We talk a lot about Grace and Heaven and God.  He was complaining one day because he wanted to be

 in Heaven playing with Grace and with God and it wasn't fair! I told him someday he could but not yet. I 

wanted him hear with me.  He said maybe he could put stairs up to Heaven and see her. I asked if that's how

 he thought Grace got there - no, she went in her wheelchair. 

***Keven talks a lot about China and teaches Camden about it. Camden was looking at a clock with the 

Eiffel tower on it and was talking about it. Keven said it was made in China- that everything is made in 

China...Camden said No. We weren't made in China. God made us! He's so smart! 

***Talking about the Eiffel tower...we were downtown and there was a helicopter but then we couldn't see it

 any more. Camden asked why. Because it went behind the buildings. We can't see it when it's behind 

buildings. He said we could if it was the Eiffel tower - it has holes in it. He blows us away almost daily!

***I was telling Keven something about a "Big 'ol truck"  Camden said "A pickle truck?"  We couldn't stop

 laughing. A pickle truck! :)

***Bedtime is always a battle. Camden doesn't like to sleep. If people are awake he wants to be awake. So,

 it's a problem every night. We started a sticker chart to reward him for staying in his room all night. So one 

night soon after he was laying somewhere, he was calling for me and asked if I was in the living room - Keven

 said yes, but I shook my head. So he said no, she's not. Camden asked where I was. She went to take a 

bath. Keven asked him where he was. My feet are in my rooml. Where's the rest of you? In the hall, but at 


least my feet will get a sticker! LOL!

So, Camden is great and doing great and continues to amaze us daily! He started riding his bike this week and

 is very excited about 'squid' marks. 

We are trying to move forward on lots of things.  House, kids, life in general...We've been looking at houses, 

trying to decide on an adoption agency.  Time will tell. 

This Saturday will be Grace's 8th birthday. Hard to believe! Miss her so much and love her so much!! 

Christmas Chronicles

Thought I'd better try and write down as much as I could about Camden's Christmas before I forget. Let's see...
Christmas Eve we went over to mom and dad's in the afternoon. We made cookies and pudding and hung out with family. The West Coast Davis' showed up and it was so good to see them. Took Camden a little bit of time to warm up but by Monday he was wrapped around their fingers. We went to church for the Candle light Service. That's usually when I cry, during Silent Night, but this year I played hand chimes so somehow made it through. Camden loved seeing Uncle Earl and Aunt Miriam singing in the choir with Bop Bop. Then it was back to Marmee's house for dinner and some gifts. He was so excited to sit on the big new table with everyone. And then when he got his gifts from Annemarie and Maura he was more than happy to ham it up. He did not want to go home. So checked to see where Santa was, Virginia, and told him we needed to hurry home and get to bed before Santa got there. That was all it took, he was running out the front door, no shoes, no jacket, no mom and dad - just running for the car. "We got to hurry! We got to beat Santa!" It was very cute!  He started to get upset b/c people in our neighborhood had their lights on so he was saying Santa wouldn't come because they were still up. We told him it was ok, he would come to our house if we were asleep, he'd just skip the other people's houses. Him sleeping that night was the best/funniest part. He and Keven wrote Santa a letter and left him candy and milk and he went to bed. In his room, in his bed, with his door closed. He NEVER likes to sleep in his room and definitely doesn't close his door. He kept telling us we better lock our door too so Santa will come. So he went right to bed. Now, usually around 2 or 3 AM he comes into our room. He didn't do that. I figured he was very tired. So, about 8 I got up to let the dogs out and I hear his small voice from down the hall..."Mom? Mom? Are you awake?"  Yup. "Can I come out?" LOL. He had been awake and wouldn't come out of his room til we were up and it was ok. I asked him if he'd been awake long...he said he was in bed then got on the floor and then back in bed and then back on the floor. :)

So, out to see what Santa left. He was SO excited that Santa ate his candy and left our key under his plate. He took things out of his stocking one at a time and loved them all! What was funny was there was some doublemint gum and it had Captain America on it, so whenever people ask him what he got from Santa, he says Captain America gum. Never mind the books, candy, T-rex from Toy Story... :) Actually he does like the T-rex too. He had a Belle ornament in his stocking - b/c he always joke around about Beauty and the Beast - he says Booty and the Beast - not sure he's ever seen the movie...but so he got Belle. When he pulled it out he laughed and said Santa messed up, that was for his little sister. :) So, hung around the house a bit and then headed to Marmee and Bop Bop's.  Then all the family came. From San Antonio, West coast and East coast. Camden had a BLAST! He got to help pass out all the presents, he saw all his cousins and played. Lots of food, family and fun. Just like holidays should be!! He had fun talking about his note to Santa and sleeping in his room and the Capt. America gum.  Before Annemarie and Maura showed up he kept asking when his friends were going to get there. Trying to remember what other funny things he did but can't think of them...he had a blast and did so well with everyone and everything.

Monday Camden slept late, which he needed! Then he was singing some in his sleep. Frosty the snowman. So funny. Then we had family pictures. 22 of us. Camden wouldn't cooperate at the beginning. He wasn't wanting to participate. But he warmed up a little after a bit and we took a bunch of pictures. I can't wait to see them! Then we went to Chuy's and he quickly jumped to the table with Annemarie and Maura. Then off to Austin's park and pizza. We walked in and he wanted to find his friends (his 5 cousins) He wanted to follow them around all night and did a pretty good job of it. So much fun! Games, putt putt, go-karts, chasing cousins. In the car afterwards Keven asked if Camden liked his cousins. He said yes. Keven asked if he liked one the most - he said Annemarie and Maura (definitely a ladies man) - then he said he loves all his cousins. Keven asked if he wanted to go home with them. He said no. I said maybe we could go visit. He said Maybe we can. :) He's heard that once or twice ;)  Currently he's off at the Zilker tree with the East Coast Davis' and dad. Having a blast I'm sure.

He has been so wonderful this whole Christmas weekend. So excited about the lights, the music, Santa..especially Santa. And no naps, and lots of sugar - and no major melt downs. He was truly amazing! Should say IS truly amazing.

Holiday Heartache

I miss my girl constantly. But for whatever reason the holidays are even harder. Maybe because I should be shopping for 2 kids instead of 1. Maybe because she was the cutest Santa.  Maybe because it's about the birth of Jesus and wonderful things and all I can think about is missing her. Or the guilt I feel about being sad for her and should be happy for Camden.  Guilty for feeling badly when so many other people have lost so much more than I, and I am truly blessed. Camden is talking a lot about her and sometimes I feel badly about that. I mean, I love it, very bittersweet. I'm glad he knows her, loves her, thinks about her...but am I doing him a disservice by talking about her so much? I sure hope not. I sure hope he never feels he's in her shadow. I hope he knows how incredibly special he is and loved and how blessed we are to have him.  Here are some of the comments he's made lately...

Shopping for the Giving Tree at church, we had an 8 month old little girl, Camden "I want a little sister. We could get her those pajamas"

At Wal-Mart we walked past an end cap of all these baby dolls - "I want a sister. And when she gets bigger I'll buy her this doll"  A lot of times he says he wants a brother because he already has a sister.  I would love for him to have both - a brother and another sister.

The 2 that hurt the most, but also meant the most to me...He called me into the other room today to show me a picture of Grace. He pointed to a picture of him and his 2 cousins and said the youngest was Grace. I explained who they were and reminded him. He got very upset and said he wanted Grace in the picture with him! That hurts..hurts me because he obviously hurts and because I'd love that too.

Then tonight my mom was telling someone that her (my mom's) dog had died in April. Camden said she went up to Heaven. We all agreed. Then he said when he gets to Heaven he gets to play with Grace. And with God. He had mentioned that before. That it wasn't fair and that he wanted to go to Heaven and play with her. I told him he will someday, but hopefully not soon, I need him here with me for now. And he's right, it's not fair. He should have his big sister here with him. They would be having so much fun!  He asked one time how she got to Heaven...I don't remember what I said...maybe by becoming an Angel....he decided she drove her power chair up there. :)

He is so excited about Christmas. It's so much fun watching him. He liked it last year, but this year he is getting into all of it. The music, the lights, Santa, family...it's so much fun. So I'm trying to focus on him. And I do...but it doesn't take my thoughts from her.  Here's a candle lighting ritual we do on Christmas Eve. I forget where we got it from or I'd give proper acknowledgement. Thought I'd share though as it works for any loved ones.

It's 4 candles and usually 5 of my family members read. I read if I can...
1 -"As we light these candles in honor of you, we light one for our grief, one for our courage, one for our memories and one for our love."
2 - Light 1st candle - "The light of this candle represents our grief. The pain of losing you is intense. It reminds us of the depth of our love for you."
3 - Light 2nd candle - "The light of this candle represents our courage to confront our sorrow; to comfort each other; to change our lives."
4 - Light 3rd candle - "This candle is a light ot all of our memories of you. To the times we laughed, the times we cried, the times we were angry with each other, the silly things you did, the caring and joy you gave us."
5 - Light 4th candle - "This candle is the light of our love. As we enter the holiday season, day by day, we cherish the special place in our hearts that will always be reserved for you. We are thankful for the gift your life brought to each of us. We love you always"


I love both my beautiful children! I am so incredibly thankful for them both and blessed by them both. I just wish I had both here with me, however selfish that is. 

In need of Angels

Grace. I love you and I miss you. And right now I need you. And your friends. And not just for me but for so many people down here. There has been too much heartache in the past week for too many families. It's not right and it's not fair and it just really stinks! Please surround us all with your love and protection and help us to get through this too. I love you baby girl!

Top 10 lessons this weekend/birthday party (and all by 2:00 on Sunday)

10 - This year's flu vaccine will give Keven the flu - fever, chills, sweats and all
9 - Buy bowls when Chris is bringing his delicious homemade ice cream
8 - Remember to replace battery in doorbell before the party so it works when people arrive
7 - Be sure to refill the chip bowl so people will keep eating all the queso
6 - Take more pictures
5- Don't put the men in charge of the gift opening if you want a list of who brought what gift
4 - Buy fly paper when having a backyard party with the door open
3 - Keep the bounce house over night so you can jump off some of the calories from the party the day before
2 - Camden needs a sibling to play with the day after his party when I'm too exhausted to play any more
1 - Don't tell a 4 year old to let you rest for 10 minutes and point to a digital clock and tell him what numbers to watch for to know when those 10 minutes are up. He will then tell you continuously when the numbers change to the next one and then talk about how they look like different numbers depending on how you look at them and...

The 2 things that make all that and more worthwhile -
                             "That was a fun party mom!" and "I like being 4" :)

I sure love that boy!

Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?

Edgar Allan Poe.
 Dreams are an interesting and amazing thing.

"I have a dream..."
"A dream is a wish your heart makes..."
"Dream weaver" :)

There are so many different types of dreams.  Dreams for yourself...what you want out of life. Things you hope to do and see and be part of. What do you want to be when you grow up? What's on your bucket list?

Dreams for your children...what will they do when they grow up? What interests will they have? What will they look like and be like?

The dreams we're all embarrassed to have...dreams of wealth,  power, beauty, fame...

And then what are dreams anyways? You can't touch them, smell them, feel them...You can't guarantee they'll happen. And then when they don't happen...you're crushed. You can control up to a point but when the dreams are snatched away there isn't anything you can do. Sometimes they slowly fade away as we grasp at everything we can to try and hold onto them.

What started all this with dreams? The very weird dream I had last night. And that's another type of dream. The ones of our subconscious. The ones we have no control over and then try to sort out and make sense of. Are they things our mind think of and we're afraid to see except when we're asleep?  Or is it someone/something trying to speak to us? Or is it residual of things we've seen/heard/done during the day. I find the subconscious interesting. Something we can't control...has a "mind" of it's own.

So, I know...you're curious about the dream. It was very odd. I was in NYC with family and friends. That's not odd...been there done that. [Get to again in April ;)] We sat down to eat and one friend kept asking to borrow things. I would give them and we'd keep eating. But then they asked for something I didn't have with me. It was back at the hotel. So, I said I would go get it. Off I went by myself to get back to the hotel and get this item. I was going to meet them at the underground mall in an hour for the half off sale.  Sounds pretty normal so far...but then when I went to get the stuff I was driving Grace's power chair. I didn't need it, perfectly capable of walking or taking a cab or whatever, but there I was driving her power chair up and down the streets of New York. (She did like New York - and the subways). Then I got lost on some side streets - couldn't figure out where the hotel was.  Kept wondering, trying to figure out where to go. Started walking, well riding the chair, with some teenager. Then there was an amusement park next to us. But it only had 2 roller coasters and nothing else. We got to a part of the street where we had to go down, so I was going to take the elevator. By this point I was making it clear to people I didn't need the chair, but that was the easiest way to transport it. Just to drive it - those things are heavy when you try to push them. So we get in the elevator and then it was more like a vehicle.  There were several of us in there...waiting, not moving....I was of course irritated that we weren't going anywhere. I had a place to be! Some military personnel got on and we were all just waiting.  Then some bad people got on. They were military from another country. They started with the officer of our military - started beating him. Then the other military people. The 2 ladies next to me decided they were going to try and sneak away...I tried to tell them they shouldn't..they got out and were immediately grabbed. I was next. They grabbed me. Picked me up as I was kicking and screaming and begging them to stop. They turned me like a battling ram and were running about to run me head on into a wall and I woke up. WHAT????

What in the world is all that?? I watched sitcoms before I fell asleep.  It doesn't make any sense to me what so ever.

So, dreams. Extremely powerful. They drive us...what we want, what we see. They slow us down...when we're not sure what they are or our next step. They give us hope and desires. And they crush us at times. Just so incredibly interesting.

"Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?"

How much ache can one heart take

Hearts are quite the amazing organ.  It keeps working after it's broken. And what I can't believe is that it can keep breaking. Isn't there some point where the heart can't break any more? I know, random question. Let me back up. A family just lost their 2 month old baby boy. They are an amazing couple and wonderful  and my heart breaks for them. I attended the memorial today...at my church with my minister...1st funeral service at my church with my minister and for a child...that I've been to since Grace. It just ripped that scab right off my heart and all the pain came flooding back in. That hard time breathing, that ache in the chest and in the gut.  It just hurts so bad. And then hurts extra b/c it's hurting for the family b/c unfortunately I can imagine the pain they feel. People say to me all the time they can't imagine what it must be like, what it feels like, how I do it, etc...I don't want people to imagine or understand. It hurts too much and I don't wish that on anyone. So to know it happens again...it just hurst and makes it fresh all over again. And in the same week we've had 2 more SMA diagnosis in Texas - breaking for those families that are realizing their  worlds just got turned upside down like they never thought possible.  One of BF had a miscarriage, which breaks my heart and starts all the why questions again. And the it's not fair thoughts again. My brother had to put his cat down (I know not quite the same but we'll just pile it on there). All this week. All on that little heart muscle.  How does it keep going when it is so heavy and broken in so many pieces?  And then I feel ridiculous for feeling so hurt b/c none of those losses are even mine. How selfish of me to be so upset by all of them when it's not even me. It's them. They are going through it, not me. 

Nothing makes sense. Nothing. Chaos. If they are lessons to be learned I'm tired of learning. If what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger I'm strong enough. If God only gives us what we can handle I'd like him to trust me a little less. And at the same time I want to do more. I want to be more available. I want to help more people. But how do you do that when it breaks your heart every time too?  I just don't know...no answers...just pain and questions....