Does it get easier...

People ask sometimes if it gets easier..missing Grace that is...here are some random thoughts on that...Easier to cope...yes, it gets easier. I wouldn't use the word better, but easier. You never get over it and you shouldn't. It's your child, part of you. A piece of you is missing...gone forever. I like the saying "The heart is the only broken instrument that still works"...or something like that. So true. How can it break over and over and still go on pumping. Even days when you don't think you can move, get out of bed, open your eyes..there it is pumping away. I think of it as a hole in my heart. Somedays that hole is small and I think of her some and I smile and it's ok. Other days the hole engulfs my whole heart and she's all I can think about and have a day of tears and memories. I think about her every day. I miss her every day. Some days are harder than others. My friends/family have learned...all I have to say is I'm having a Grace moment or a Grace day and they understand. Slowly you start to smile again and more and laugh more and have a good time and you don't feel as guilty about it. It's of course extra large around holidays. Having Camden has helped because I can't feel sorry for myself or get engulfed in that huge hole all day long. He needs me. And I need him. But I still make time. I went by her grave the other day and had a good cry. I was pregnant with 5 of my friends at the same time - so the kids are around the same age. One of them especially we did a lot of stuff together and pictures regularly...so it hurts to see thier kids - I mean it's good, I love seeing them and love them all..but it's very bittersweet..she is missing from the picture - from the events...from life. Last year I almost lost it when the kindergardeners walked in for class b/c she woulda been in kinder. It helps sometimes to talk to other people that have lost kids. To know you're not alone. You're not completely crazy. Everything you feel is "normal". Love, pain, guilt, anger, relief, sadness, confusion, guilt, resentment, guilt, frustration...it's all ok and "normal" Someone told us that when people ask...and it's people that don't really want the real answer...or you don't feel like giving them the real answer...just answer FINE. I don't remember exactly what they all stand for, but what I remember and think of is Frazzled, Insane, Neurotic, Emotionally Exhausted (or even just exhausted) - FINE. So true. So in a long round about way...the short answer is yes, it gets easier. Never better and never goes away and it shouldn't. And at the same time nobody should have to feel what we feel. To lose what we have lost. Nobody.

Random collection of thoughts

April...can't believe it's April. This year is flying by. Camden is amazing as usual! He loves baseball. That and Toy Story (1,2 or 3) occupy him pretty much 24/7. He is playing T-ball and already looks like a pro ;) So focused and excited. It was too cute the other day b/c we had practice right after school so I took his clothes to change into. We were walking to the room and he said he needed his baseball shoes. I told him I had them and he asked "at school?" Yup. His response? "Yay, woo hoo, awesome!" As he clapped his hands. Way too cute!!! Wish I had been taping it. He is doing great at school - always wanting to help and please his teachers. He can spell his name and is learning to write it. He also loves UT - and has been to a UT football game, UT basketball game and UT baseball game. He is a true blessing and I am thankful everyday for him!!!!
Keven is doing well. Started a new job at HP and liking it. He stays pretty busy between that and keeping up with Camden's t-ball.
One of my half time positions was eliminated so I currently have only a half time position. I'm not overly concerned about it although I guess I should be. I would love to work only half time so I could focus more on SMA stuff and maybe get caught up on everything around the house and stuff...And maybe have another little one around to take care of.
We are still trying to adopt. I'm so more than ready! I'm trying to trust what's meant to be will be...but it's hard. And I've always felt you have to try and help yourself - not just sit around and wait for stuff to happen. But I'm starting to wonder if that's what I'm supposed to do. Sit around and wait. I feel like I get signs but I'm not sure which way to read them...or if it's all in my imagination. I just don't know. I did get a sign from Grace on Tuesday. That was nice. I was at dinner with friends and had been there for about an hour...and I look over and right next to me is a sticker of Boots. I had looked over there several times during the evening and never noticed it. And there it was. After we had been talking about adoption and kids. I know it was a sign from her. Other signs I've gotten this week are mostly that I can't control and plan everything. I learned that with Grace. Guess I needed some reminding. There was a lot going on this week, a lot planned...and a lot that didn't go as planned. So, I know I can't control stuff...but does that mean to not try and plan stuff? Not to try and do anything? Just to let it all go? Or can I still try and do stuff but just remember that it's not up to me...I just don't know....What I do know is...something needs to change...I don't know which sign I'm supposed to read or follow or what I'm supposed to get from it or do with it...but something needs to change...

A New Year

I sure don't stay on top of posting on this thing. I mean to...to put stories of Camden for Camden...a place for me to share and let out emotions...but I just never seem to. I'm missing my girl tonight though so felt the need to come here. I miss her every night of course but feeling it a lot tonight. Just miss her. Still have regrets....guilt....anger....jealousy....not understanding....but I do have happy memories and love her with all my heart and miss her like crazy! Camden is growing up wonderfully and knows exactly who she is. I know he doesn't understand it per se, but he knows who she is.
Camden is amazing. So smart. So funny. Very caring and helpful. We have truly been blessed with 2 amazing children. He still loves baseball and is all signed up for T-ball starting in March. See, then I get on here and can't remember all his great stories. His favorite songs right now are Bad Romance by Lady Gaga, I Gotta Feeling by Black Eyed Peas and then several Christmas songs - Rudolph, Santa Claus is coming to town, Jingle Bells...and as we've been listening to the music for my latest show at school he's really enjoying it too. He loves music - to sing, to dance, to play...He started going to school with me in November and is doing wonderfully there and enjoying it. Everyone knows who he is and he always has a smile on his face.
We are still working on adoption...or rather waiting on it...We have done all required things and just waiting to be matched with our child. Camden is going to be such a great big brother. He loves to help, especially other children.
As usual a pretty short post...just mostly missing my girl...I need to watch some video of her but I know it'll start a crying frenzy...so I have to be sure there's nothing else I need to do for several hours after before I watch.
Hope everyone's 2011 is off to a good start!

Strike 1

I really need to do a nice, long update. More so I remember all the cute things Camden does, than any other reason. But here's a video of baseball - still his favorite sport. He can't wait to start T-ball in the spring!

Play Ball!

We took Camden to his first MLB game and he loved it! We went to Houston and started at the Galleria mall. He made a baseball dog at build a bear, complete with Astros uniform and his voice recorded saying GO Astros! Dinner was at Rainforest Cafe. He enjoyed seeing all the animals and the music - not so sure about the thunderstorm they had in there. Loud noises don't agree with him. The next day was the baseball game. He loved it! Couldn't wait to see the field and see them "run fast". It wa Astros vs. Reds (Keven's team vs. my team) He especially liked when they hit a homerun because the train would move across the tracks and they put fireworks on the screen. We went to a Round Rock express game and they had fireworks at then end. Now he thinks every baseball game should have fireworks. We of course indulged him in ballpark food and the people around us were so nice. We bought him a gameball for a momento of the game. He can't wait to go back and hasn't stopped playing baseball since then. Not that he stopped very frequently before that. He loves to play and loves to run the bases - usually carrying the ball. :) He likes to run and "slide" into home. We plan to let him play T-ball in the spring, hard to believe he'll be old enough, and we'll see if he's still obsessed and wanting to.

His favorite song right now is Lady Gaga's Bad Romance. He calls it the Rah Rah song. He also likes I've gotta feeling - that's the goodnight song. He loves to dance and sing them. Oh, and sings any/every word to the tune of Twinkle Twinkle. He loves music!

School starts back soon and I'm going to really miss all the time I"ve been able to spend with him. I am determined to get home earlier this year than last and spend as much time with him as possible!

Just Keep Swimming...Just Keep Swimming

That's how it's going here...we just keep swimming. World is turning. Life moves on. Some days you swim with the current - others against the current.

Camden is doing wonderfully. All he wants to do these days is watch or play baseball. He loves it! Has a pretty good arm on him too. He used to carry cars everywhere he went, now it's a ball and/or his glove. Never knew someone could have so much energy. He runs around constantly. Half the time there isn't a real reason - just runs through the house. He is so sweet and caring. He loves to play with his cousins, Sam and Ben, and loves to hug and kiss them. He likes to help take care of people and things. Very sweet. I can't believe he's almost 3. Goes so fast! He continues to amaze me and I love him so much!

Keven continues in his MBA program. He graduates in December and all of us can't wait!! He's worked so hard - and all while working full time - ready for the work to pay off. And ready to see him more than just in passing.

We are waiting, Keven more patiently than me, to adopt. We are just waiting. We've finished everything we need to and are waiting for the perfect match. We are adopting through the state so the wait could be awhile. I'm so ready for my family to grow so I am trying to be patient and trust that God has a plan.

Can't believe in less than a month it will have been 4 years since our Angel flew to Heaven. How I do miss her! How I feel like she's slipping away. I'm going to have to have a Grace video day and just watch videos and look at pics all day...and cry a lot...which would also call for a lot of junk food.

Until the next time...just keep swimming...

Round and Round

Spinning, churning,
Spiraling, whirling,
Twisting, twirling
Round and Round and never stopping

Elation, depression
Exhiliration, Devestation,
Apprehension, Exultation
Round and round and never stopping


Crying, Screaming
Laughing, beaming
Aching, Breaking
Round and Round and never stopping


Interruption, Aggitation
Distraction, Frustration
Complication, consternation
Round and round and never stopping



Unending, everlasting
Eternal, surpassing
Complete yet broken
Round and round and never stopping...